Tommy Wiseau is a football guy. His movie, “The Room,” is widely misunderstood.
It’s a football film.
For those unfamiliar with “The Room,” it’s considered one of the best worst movies ever made. The acting, the dialogue and the plot are all excruciatingly awful despite its Hollywood budget. But that’s what makes the movie so hilarious. The awkward, robotic and confusing experience makes the movie a cult classic. The cringe humor is like “The Office” on steroids. It’s also the movie upon which the new release, “Disaster Artist,” is based. “Disaster Artist,” featuring James Franco and Seth Rogan, tells the story of how “The Room” was made.
The movie may be a head-scratcher to some. But we’ve cracked the code. Some speculated Wiseau (who plays Johnny) and Greg Sestero (who plays Mark) made this movie to highlight their acting skills. That can’t possibly be true. So perhaps, they did this to highlight their abilities as football players.
We’re onto something, right?
So let’s dive into X’s and O’s — just like Wiseau intended us to.
- Looks like we’ve got a handful of Nate Ebners here. Perhaps, they’re a bunch of natural athletes and rugby players figuring out how to transition to their new sport. The only problem so far? Will they want to play on their olympic rugby teams instead of prioritizing football? Denny is American. He can make the U.S. National team. Johnny is — well — no one knows. But he looks awfully gifted.
- Johnny, in particular, can really spin it. He’s got a sensational underhanded spiral. His footwork, however, needs work. Look at the way he fails to set his feet.
- Against air, he’s at least able to hit his target in the chest. That’s more than Josh Allen can say at the Senior Bowl.
- Oh wait, who’s that that shows up at the end there? Oh hi, Mark.
- Dear god, we’ve got a natural.
- Look at the way he can grip it and rip it. He’s practically like Tim Tebow, ignoring the laces to get the ball out quickly on his first toss.
- That’s the kind of guy you can put on your game day program every Sunday. $10 per program? Well worth it.
- He keeps his eyes downfield. He’s a little slow in that 5-step drop. Maybe he came from the read-option. Maybe he’s a spread-system product. I don’t know, but there’s definitely raw, undiscovered talent.
- Wow, our first cheap, cheap, cheap shot.
- That’s not the kind of character you want to see from your franchise quarterback.
- Mark absolutely pummels Mike, o-face extraordinaire. On one hand, we see Mark’s raw explosiveness. His SPARQ is probably off the charts. But on the other hand, we see Mark’s darkside — you know (spoiler alert) the side that led him to have an affair with Johnny’s fiancee, Lisa.
- Let’s not get into Lisa. She’s an absolute locker-room cancer. She’s good for one thing: tearing us apart.
- Twist our arm. If we had to do an NFL comparison for Mark, we’ve got to go with Matthew Stafford. He’s got a funky release, but look at the accuracy there. Mark hits Denny in stride, and had a defensive back been there (hopefully also wearing a tuxedo), the ball would have been placed in a spot where only Denny could catch the ball.
- Denny also looks like a total gym rat, a grinder, a high-motor guy with a huge football IQ. He doesn’t have the raw athleticism you’d like to see at receiver. But he loves the game and wants the ball in his hands. Frankly, he’s probably the next Wes Welker.
- Cut this man. I never want to see his stupid face again. Got a problem with that? Leave your stupid comments in your pocket.
- Next test, how does these guys handle adverse conditions? In San Francisco, weather is pretty nice. Sunny. Warm. So I’ve got an idea: MAKE THEM THROW ON THE RUN WHILE RUNNING DOWN A HILL.
- At this point, it’s clear Johnny’s form is a total disaster. Everything we said about him spinning it is wrong. Sure, he’s practically throwing in a phone booth. But he looks he’s an alien discovering a football for the first time.
- But Mark — he’s got this on lock. The 19-year-old stud can get the ball out on the run. And frankly, if his time as a quarterback doesn’t work in the league, he’s got promise as a receiver. Big, soft, hands.
- I do not know what this is.
- It took the length of the movie, but we finally see Johnny’s natural position: special teams. He’s practically the next Larry Izzo. He’s got all the pent up rage (See: “In a minute, [expletive]”), the discipline (he doesn’t drink) and the insanity factor (see: the entire movie). Some lucky coach is going to get Johnny on Day 3 of the draft and turn him into a perennial Pro Bowler on special teams.
- On the play, Mark showed a strong foundation under pressure. He may have Matt Stafford’s release but he’s also got Ben Roethlisberger’s sturdy legs and frame.
- Good gracious, Mark is going to be the face of the Cleveland Browns someday.