Corn Dogs Are Bad and Confusing

Who I am to look at Giannis Antetokounmpo trying a corn dog for the first time and being filled with admiration for the United States and tell him that he’s wrong? To be the Well, Actually Guy flying in from the top rope with a contrarian take that the deep-fried item is one of the culinary world’s biggest under-performers?

A guy with taste buds, that’s who.

Now, look, it’s no skin off my nose if people want to shove these disgusting items in their mouths and derive great pleasure from the experience. No judgement here. There’s no accounting for taste.

But to me, and I’ll go to my grave arguing this, the corn dog is to food as Darko Milicic is to basketball. All the tools and talent in the world with no production. How is it possible to combine two delicious things — hot dogs and fried cornmeal — and have it taste bad? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

Hot dogs and hot fried dough. Two things I like. Two things that work on paper but not in the real world.

The breading absorbs the salt and bites into the aftertaste of the dog. The dog-to-breading ratio is never in proper proportion. Is it sweet? Is it salty? Oh, God, is it neither? What is this?

Maybe you’re reading this thinking, “it sounds like corn dogs broke this guy’s brain.” And you know what, you’re right. They did, in a way. Food shouldn’t be able to do that to a person, especially a well-adjusted one like myself. In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll tell you my wife, a vegetarian, currently has meatless corn dogs in the freezer and I’m too afraid to even open that now.

But maybe those are actually better than the real thing.

The only time corn dogs taste okay is when they are slathered with cheese or a condiment. That’s not a testament to versatility. That’s an admission of failure, folks.

The corn dog is Dr. Hammond from Jurassic Park, standing on the shoulders of greatness to accomplish something as fast as it can, and before you even knew what it was, they patented it, packaged it, and shoved a stick into it.

Corn dogs. Bad and confusing to this guy. Sorry not sorry.