In Defense of Justin Bieber's Burrito-Eating Method

Justin Bieber wakes up and goes viral. The man can’t help it. Everything he does is closely watched and scrutinized. Such is life for an international superstar. Today he finds himself in the actual news for eating a burrito. Let me be more specific: for eating a burrito sideways. SB Nation covered the event with what I believe is the mainstream opinion in a post titled, “Justin Bieber eats his burritos sideways and it’s horrifying.”

What my post presupposes is that it’s not. That this is an equal, if not superior way to consume a burrito, especially a poorly constructed one.

Let me explain. When handed a finished burrito, one usually attacks it from one end. Most probably take bites from only that end. But life happens. The filling is gradually pushed toward the other opening. Oftentimes there is spillage or, at the very least, an emergency tightening employed mid-way through. Ideally, burritos aren’t messy. In reality, however, they often turn into a sloppy mess.

So here comes Bieber to reinvent the wheel. By attacking it from the middle, he is able to control the ends with both hands, applying intense pressure and  seal. Is it possible that this is more a brilliant life hack than a puzzling bit of deviant behavior?

Yes.

It takes bravery and artistic courage to change the game. Bieber is out there on a park bench, taking risks. I think that if he’s taking great care not to penetrate the bottom of the burrito, he’s having a great experience. It’s unclear how far away from the center he’s chomping, but that too creates an opportunity.

Conceivably, he could be going all the way to the ends to create a hot dog-type situation. That, admittedly, would be kind of crazy. But what if he’s getting halfway to the end, then chomping it off to create two separate and  smaller burritos?

Wouldn’t that give him greater control, eliminating the chance of spillage? Wouldn’t he be on to something? He may be a genius here, folks.