Are We Sure Frosty The Snowman Was Good?

It’s the age old Christmas question that potentially has never been asked: Was Frosty The Snowman actually a kidnapper? There’s a decent case to be made against Frosty. Personally, I’ve actually wrestled with this question for five years now. Here’s some context for the journey we are about to take:

It’s the week of Christmas, potentially Christmas Eve, in the year 2013. My buddy Ferris and I (same guy who likes Home Alone), were in my apartment on a Friday night. What do two friends do on a weekend night in Santa Monica with little responsibility, plus a massive King’s Thirst for a frosty brew? These two (shockingly) eligible bachelors turned on the television, dove into my DVR, and selected the three sweetest words of the Christmas season:

Frosty The Snowman.

Two things to note:

• To be clear, I did in fact DVR Frosty the Snowman. Really don’t have any suitable explanation for that.
•  To quote my buddy Mike D, “The tv ain’t gonna watch itself.” Looking back, that’s my best defense.

Let’s safely assume that most adults haven’t watched Frosty lately. Here’s everything you need to know: It’s December of 1969, and a cartoonish blanket of fresh snow fell outside a school. Inside, there’s a desperate magician named “Professor Hinkle” performing for the children. Hinkle bombed worse than I did during the best man speech at my friend Jesse’s wedding. Hinkle embarrassed himself, the children groan, and Hinkle immediately threw a fit. One can’t help but wonder how a professor was relegated to performing magic tricks at an elementary school. What happened to Hinkle to warrant such a lifestyle? What did Hinkle major in as an undergrad? What did he earn his Masters in? What was his post-doctoral experience? I mean, Hinkle was in a classroom! One must surmise that a professor, moonlighting as a magician, would thrive with a sense of aplomb. Regardless of all these questions, I desperately want a prequel to Frosty the Snowman entitled: “Professor Hinkle’s Stunning Fall From Grace.”

After Hinkle’s forgettable performance, the children file outside and build a snowman at an alarmingly fast rate. The end result is not your traditional snowman:

Frosty was built like a breathtaking sculpture. He didn’t have the 3 mismatched mounds of snow, awkwardly stacked on each other, that occasionally showed up in my childhood. Frosty was hulking in nature, certainly weighing over 400 pounds. When Frosty woke up, his first words were “Happy Birthday.” Let’s chalk this up to the fact he’s never lived before and has zero ability to function socially. Frosty continued to babble for a short time, weirdly attempted to count to 10, and immediately began to prance. It’s amazing to watch Frosty move. Despite his massive build, he glides around the screen in a smooth manner, captivating the attention of all.

Frosty immediately recognized he will soon melt, and suggested a parade to the children, and off they go. One must marvel at the brazen nature of Frosty. He confronted a police officer in the village square, while en route to the train station. The police officer wanted to cite Frosty for essentially jaywalking. Two things to note:

• The Cop didn’t recognize that a massive snowman was marching around town, potentially abducting children. His main concern was to write a useless ticket, to enforce a useless rule, that essentially robs individuals the right to exercise a modicum of foresight (i.e. looking both ways) to safely cross a damn street. Sidenote: I’ve gotten two jaywalking tickets in my life and they still bother me.
• The end result of Frosty’s interaction with the police officer, is the cop literally eating his whistle. Not a ton to add there.

Frosty continued to the train station and attempted to buy a $3,000 train ticket to the North Pole. Frosty sure can prance, but he had little knowledge of currency & the basic exchange of money for goods and services that acts as a basic outline for all of society. Frosty eventually snuck into a frozen train car, which hauled ice cream and Christmas cakes to lord knows where. Frosty invited Karen (the little girl he’s somewhat abducted) to travel with him to the North Pole, and off they go. In 6 months, this train ride between Frosty and Karen will be largely ignored by Frosty’s lawyers, as the snowman melts in a hot court room.

As the journey continues, Karen nearly froze to death and Frosty selfishly avoided the task of building her a fire. In a startling turn, Hinkle showed up and ordered Karen to return Frosty’s magic hat. Again, let’s all pour one out for poor Professor Hinkle. Accomplished scholar, earned his doctrine, but his life has come to a chilling moment, where he bullied a child and a massive snowman into giving him back a magic hat. Hinkle actually trapped Frosty in a greenhouse and he melted to death in front of Karen. Again, I cannot reiterate how messed up this is. Hinkle has gone from academic superstar, to murderer. Thankfully, our favorite failed magician was bailed out by Santa Clause, who immediately brings Frosty back to life. Hinkle apologized and desperately asked Santa to fill his stocking with trick cards and magic balls (we’ve all been there). Again, one must wonder what Hinkle’s day to day consists of.

Frosty certainly wasn’t perfect, but I believe he was good at his core. Frankly, I’m willing to give Hinkle the benefit of the doubt. After all, sometimes you do things and you don’t quite sure know why. I’m certain Hinkle regrets what went down that day and really doesn’t know why it happened. Life is a series of peaks and valleys. We all have our moments of highs and lows. In fact, I’m still trying to figure out whether two early 30’s grown men, watching Frosty the Snowman, was a strike or a gutter. Hard to tell. But the next time I see a shockingly overweight snowman weirdly marching around town, I will be there watching.