How Can Rob Gronkowski Be So Bad at Air Guitar?

Air guitar is a free form of expression. It’s like art. Once you say it’s Air Guitar, it’s hard to argue that it’s not Air Guitar.

And yet, in the upset of the decade, I think we can empirically say Rob Gronkowski is not good at Air Guitar. Gronk stretched the construct of Air Guitar during the New England Patriots Super Bowl LIII parade.

Gronk’s approach to Air Guitar is downright avant garde.

First of all, who plays an Air Guitar with open hands? He looks like he’s holding the mast of a boat. Do you really want the neck of your air guitar to be the size of a boat mast?

Second, Gronk is an enormous human, so if he is playing the guitar with a fully outstretched arm, that means his Air Guitar is probably six feet long. Why?

Third, at the very beginning, he looks like he’s trying to play the whole Air Band. He hits the Air Drums, then immediately segues into Air Guitar. Let one of your teammates play an Air Instrument for once.

Technically, you can customize your Air Guitar — unless you buy it on eBay. Then you have to take what you get. But it’s downright impractical to use an Air Guitar the size of Gronkowski that’s as thick as Gronk’s forearms. What was he thinking?

With all this in mind, I’d like to issue a correction on behalf of the Patriots’ Twitter account. They wrote of Gronk: “Great at football. Great on the air guitar.”

Let’s try again.

“Great at football. Not great on the air guitar.”

Or, if you’re feeling like Borat: “Great on the air guitar — not.”

Unless we’re looking at a revolutionary. Unless we’re looking at a man on the cutting edge of the Air Guitar world. Unless he’s changing the game and isn’t appreciated in his own time. Perhaps Gronk will be considered the G.O.A.T. of this new Air Guitar form.

Who knows? I’m just airing out my thoughts.