The 2019 Kentucky Derby will take place Saturday at Churchill Downs in Louisville. Obviously, this is an event many observers wait all year for. To be honest, I can’t tell you anything about the horses involved. What I can do is rank them for you…based solely on their names.
So here we go, a scientific ranking of all the horses in this year’s Kentucky Derby solely based on the names their owners gave them.
1. Plus Que Parfait
This translates to “More Than Perfect” which is damn arrogant if you ask me. Then again, it’s French, so it’s perfectly on-brand.
2. Game Winner
This name is the best if you imagine saying it in Prince’s voice. Or, more specifically, in the voice of Dave Chappelle’s impression of Prince.
Tacitus the man was widely considered the greatest Roman historian. His works feature many incredible quotes such as, “To plunder, to slaughter, to steal, these things they misname empire; and where they make a wilderness, they call it peace.” And, “A bad peace is even worse than war.” Or how about, “A desire to resist oppression is implanted in the nature of man.”
Tacitus the horse eats about three feet from where he takes dumps. So, yeah, this was a real flattering way to honor his namesake.
4. War of Will
This is definitely George Will’s World of Warcraft name.
5. Win Win Win
I said this to the tune of Jay Rock’s “Win Win Win” so that’s a Win for this horse.
6. Gray Magician
No, it’s Gandalf the White now, dammit! I hate when people get this wrong. As you all should remember, his name changed after he fought the Balrog and fell through the Mines of Moria into a deep subterranean lake. He pursued his foe through tunnels and eventually to the peak of Zirakzigil, where they fought for two days and nights. The Balrog was defeated, then Gandalf the Grey died and his body traveled out of space and time. He was brought back as the head of the White Council and the Order of Wizards, replacing Saruman. How hard is it to just to keep that straight? God!
7. Long Range Toddy
If he’s got long range, that should help him succeed. In the Belmont Stakes.
You know how much horsepower this Roadster has? One. It has one horsepower.
9. By My Standards
This is how every sexist Instagram comment starts.
No idea what this name means, but “Body Express” would have been a hell of a name for an early 90s R&B group.
11. Code of Honor
Ironic name considering horse racing is as dirty as sports get.
12. Cutting Humor
This is a solid name, but he’s a son of “First Samurai” which is infinitely better. So we have to take points away.
13. Country House
I’m betting the owner’s wife named this colt after what she actually wanted him to buy with that money.
The gambling community would like to know if this horse is more of a “Better Call Saul” or a “Joey.”
This horse is named after a Dutch amusement park ride manufacturer named Veld Koning Machine Factory. True story. Also extraordinarily boring.
16. Master Fencer
If this was an episode of “The Office,” it would turn out this was just Dwight Schrute in a horse costume.
17. Maximum Security
Buying a horse is definitely not how you ensure maximum security for your investment.
It’s improbable that anyone actually named a horse that.
Clearly the owner wants everyone to hate this horse. Mission accomplished.