Dallas Cowboys' Brian Schottenheimer head coach hire clinches dumbest move of coaching cycle

You know what they say: everything's bigger in Texas. Apparently, that includes the messes.

According to ESPN's Adam Schefter, the Dallas Cowboys are promoting offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to be their new head coach.

If you're confused, join the club; this is the dumbest possible ending to what has been the dumbest possible coaching saga in the NFL. It's like Jerry Jones saw the debacle of the Jaguars trying (and eventually succeeding) to hire Buccaneers offensive coordinator Liam Coen, which culminated in the firing of general manager Trent Baalke, and wanted to prove he was still the top dog in the stupid, pointless drama heap.

The whole process made no sense from the beginning. First, it looked like Jones was going to hang onto former coach Mike McCarthy after denying the Bears permission to interview him. Then, just a week later, they announced they wouldn't be giving him a new contract, booting him out the door and starting their own hiring race well after everyone else had started theirs. It cost them a chance to book interviews with the two biggest names in this cycle, in Lions offensive coordinator Ben Johnson and defensive coordinator Aaron Glenn.

And now, that process has ended here, with the worst possible outcome.

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It's not like the Cowboys didn't have other candidates; according to Schefter, they interviewed former Jets coach Robert Saleh, their own former offensive coordinator (currently running the Eagles' offense) Kellen Moore, former Vikings head coach and current assistant head coach of the Seahawks Leslie Frazier, and talked to Colorado head coach Deion Sanders about the job.

Either they all said no (which is possible, even if it feels slightly unlikely), or the Cowboys decided to eschew real, viable head coaching candidates for maybe the least inspiring offensive coordinator in the NFL. Literally any name on that list would have been a better choice for this job than Schottenheimer, and it's not particularly close.

It's not like he's been a bastion of success as an offensive coordinator; in fact, in most cases, you can point to the offense being successful despite Schottenheimer, rather than because of him. In his six seasons with the Jets, they cracked the top 10 in scoring all of once, during Brett Favre's lone season in New York, and frankly, Favre's presence likely had more to do with that than Schottenheimer, given that the team finished no better than 13th in any of his other seasons.

His Rams stint was even worse; in three years running the offense in St. Louis, the Rams never cracked the top 20 in scoring, and ranked 23th, 30th, and 28th in yards.

His stint in Seattle may have been his most successful; in three seasons, the Seahawks were sixth, ninth, and eighth in scoring. But those Seahawks teams were stacked offensively; Russell Wilson was at the height of his powers, Chris Carson hadn't been decimated by injuries, and the wide receiver corps featured Tyler Lockett, D.K. Metcalf and Doug Baldwin at varying points throughout. There's no way that team could be bad, no matter what Schottenheimer did.

He's been in Dallas for two seasons as well; last year might have been his singular truly good performance as a coordinator; the Cowboys ranked first in scoring and fifth in yardage, and got a 1,000 yard rushing season out of Tony Pollard.

This year was an unmitigated disaster, though. Yes, Dak Prescott got hurt in Week 8, but things weren't exactly good in the run-up to that injury. Dallas was 2-6, and Prescott had thrown almost as many interceptions in eight games (eight picks) as he had the entire season prior (nine). The running game was non-existent, and the team looked utterly lost for most of the year.

Still not convinced? Let Rodger Sherman drive home just how bad he's been at his job:

At this stage of his career, Schottenheimer is the definition of failing upwards. He has yet to put together more than two or three successful offenses, and even those are more credited to the players at his disposal than any kind of schematic advantage that Schottenheimer provided.

And yet, here we are, the nepotism hire stumbling his way into the highest-profile coaching job in the entire NFL. How on Earth did we wind up here?

The answer likely lies in the owners box. It's the worst-kept secret in the NFL that Jerry Jones loves to have control of this team. He doesn't want an independent coach with big ideas that might be counter to his plan; he wants a guy who's going to take the heat in front of the cameras, nod his head, and, when the rubber hits the road, let Jerry take the credit for the successes.

It's why we've had Cowboys head coaches that included Dave Campo and Chan Gailey. It's why Jason Garrett was the head coach in Dallas for TEN YEARS despite winning zero playoff games. It's why Mike McCarthy was hired at all.

And now, it's why the NFL's ultimate failson coach has been handed the keys to the kingdom. It's why Saleh, and Deion, and Moore, and Frazier all didn't get the job despite being infinitely more qualified.

Maybe it will work out. Maybe I'm wrong, and Schottenheimer will display a level of tactical acumen heretofore unseen from him in his nearly 20-plus years of coaching football. Maybe he'll prove to be the best hire Jerry's made since Jimmy Johnson, and he'll finally bring home that Super Bowl that Jerry claims to want more than anything.

Or maybe, just maybe, he'll remind us why the fan bases of every team he's worked for since he came into the league were thrilled to see the back of him.

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