2016 Super Bowl Media Nontroversy Odds: From Cam Newton Dancing to Manning Retirement Talk
By Ty Duffy
The Super Bowl media lull has arrived. Two weeks of ramped up discussion. One actual football game, that could be interesting. Marshawn Lynch will be talking (or not talking) somewhere other than Media Day. What will be the lead story for 2016? We break down the odds.
Peyton Manning HGH [LOLJK] What’s the deal with athlete wives? *Nationwide rhythm*
Cam Newton Dancing [Off the Board] Cam Newton likes to dance, multiple times after touchdowns. We could discuss a charismatic leader who inspires his teammates. We could discuss an impressive personal redemption story after a dramatic fall. Nah, dancing. Is Cam classy? That’s the important thing.
Media Member on Cam Newton [5-2] Twitter police were already out en force for mild jokes. Some middle-aged white guy who doesn’t really do the whole Twitter thing writes a full-fledged column about not liking Cam’s dancing. The marketplace does not tolerate dissent.
Manning Retirement [3-1] Manning is turning 40 in a couple of months. He can’t fill out his shoulder pads. He’s running on fumes, muscle memory and intelligence. But, could he be the panacea for crappy franchise X in 2016?
Brandon Marshall Mix-Up [6-1] One is a linebacker for the Broncos. The other a wide receiver for the Jets. Which day pass media member confuses the two in a show of disrespect?
Overtime Rules [8-1] There’s a groundswell movement to ensure both teams touch the ball in overtime. A first-possession touchdown by Carolina to end Manning’s career would singlehandedly get this rule changed.
Blindside/Academy Awards [9-1] The Oscars are under fire for not being racially inclusive. Sandra Bullock won Best Actress award for her role in 2010’s Blindside, based on the life of Panthers lineman Michael Oher. Uh oh.
The Weather [12-1] It looks like highs will be in the 50s during Super Bowl week. There may be a bit of rain. Seriously, when you have to wear long pants and a windbreaker over your Hawaiian shirt, what is the point?
Women in Football [15-1] Maybe it’s a leading question. Maybe it’s radio row. Someone will say something stupid about women either covering or being involved with football, followed by a tearful apology.
Idiots Jumping Into Snow [20-1] It’s trending now. It may still be.
Aqib Talib [25-1] Two weeks is a long time to go without a silly arrest/incident. We’ll play the odds with Talib here. Doesn’t even have to be him, just someone with a similar enough name.
Jared Allen’s Hunting [30-1] The Panthers defensive end is an avid hunter. PETA is always looking for headlines.
Acceptable Movie Theater Snacks [40-1] Still tough to believe Von Miller put the Broncos’ season in jeopardy all for some movie theater mozzarella sticks. People forget this.
50 [50-1] This year’s Super Bowl will be No. 50. It’s a round number. It’s five units of 10. It’s half of 100. It’s crazy. List posts will be far too long.
Cam Newton’s Glasses [60-1] Cam Newton wears sunglasses during interviews at Media Day setting off a media firestorm.
Jim Harbaugh [75-1] It will be a tough squeeze with Signing Day, but Jim Harbaugh has been (almost literally) everywhere else.
Josh Norman-Cam Newton Practice Fight [600-1] It happened in the preseason. The Panthers are 17-1 in meaningful games since the two tangled. Coincidence? We think not.
Marshawn Redux [650-1] Someone employs Marshawn Lynch’s “I’m just here so I won’t get fined” tactic during Media Day. National endorsement deals ensue.
Media Day Death [800-1] The crush to get near that hot Peyton Manning boilerplate gets intense. There’s a crush, followed by a truly noxious fart. Folks start panicking. A poor cameraman does not make it.
Coldplay [2,000-1] Bringing in Beyoncé and Bruno Mars is tacit admission that no one wanted to see Coldplay. With these odds, the potential Chris Martin nipple slip may be worth a punt, though.