Dallas Columnist Clamors for the Cowboys to Get Adrian Peterson

Shan Shariff is a morning host on Dallas’s 105.3 The Fan; on Wednesday, he wrote a column going over the reasons the Cowboys should sign Adrian Peterson. It was basically local hot take mad libs, but I’ll walk you through some of the finer points:

"Christmas may have just come early for the Dallas Cowboys."

That’s how you know this is going to be good.

"An unbelievable opportunity may be on the horizon where the best running back in football could be available."

LeSean McCoy’s on the trade block? Hadn’t heard anything about that.

"Jerry Jones can once again swing for the green he missed in Johnny Manziel. Adrian Peterson could be coming home."

Please don’t liken this to LeBron.

"After receiving financial pressure from sponsors, the Minnesota Vikings reversed course Wednesday morning and banned Peterson from all football activities until his legal issues are resolved. This likely ends his 2014 season with court proceedings not expected for weeks, if not months. If I’m Peterson, I’m PISSED at Vikings ownership."

We’ll see if this ends his season, but the only way Peterson’s pissed at the Vikings, who are still paying him throughout all this, is if he didn’t pay attention to literally anything else that went on over the past few weeks.

"You mean to tell me the Panthers, 49ers and Ravens ALL showed more loyalty to guys who did worse than me? I froze my ass off while carrying your crappy franchise for 7 years and you turn your back like this? You know me well enough by now to know I’m not a child abuser. You not only know how I was raised, you KNOW the type of father and man I am, yet you still caved to public pressure rather than stand by my side while due process plays out."

The Vikings really tried their damndest not to cave to public pressure, but that just wasn’t going to be possible once they realized they’d ~~lose a shitload of money~~ need to get it right.

"‘We’ believe and practice corporal punishment. We got Whoopins, beatings, belts and switches administered like a bath at night. We agree and support your way of parenting Adrian. We get it, because it’s the way we grew up. Come back home and finish your HOF career here. We would welcome you with open arms like no one else in the country."

Remind me which state is the one indicting him and trying him because the prosecutor believes he violated its laws. I don’t think it is Minnesota.

"Adrian Peterson is a freaking stud. He’s about to be available at a discount rate. Yes, he’s about to turn 30, but he’s staying 29 because of the year off."

Not really sure if that’s how aging works.

"DeMarco Murray is seeking the biggest pay-day of his career. He also seeks out medical attention from running so hard every damn carry. Jerry Jones still loves the glitz and the glamour. He’s bitter he didn’t get to keep Johnny Football in Texas. Double J hates laying up on the golf course of life. Time to go for the green you love so much Jerry. Put a star on Adrian’s helmet."

This scenario actually isn’t altogether implausible, but reaching the conclusion was a painful exercise.