Congrats to the Sun On Its Big Day But I Will Always Be a Lunar Eclipse Guy

Everyone is fired up about the solar eclipse today and, quite obviously, the freaking moon shimmying its way directly between Earth and the sun is remarkably badass. The mysteries of the universe are not explored, considered or appreciated enough these days because — hey look, another screen to bury my face in! And this particular eclipse is getting all the bells and whistles of a Super Bowl pregame show because certain parts of this great country will get to experience totality. Which, scientifically speaking, means the the sun's light will be boxed out with great passion and effectiveness like the moon is Dennis Rodman in his prime.

It's pretty cool and I am not trying to be a buzzkill here. But I do feel it's my duty as a Lunar Eclipse Guy here to point out the obvious. Solar eclipses are the wildly inferior celestial event for anyone with eyes who wants to keep them in working order.

We should stop beating around the bush and speak openly about the sun's brightness. It's too bright. Every time a solar eclipse happens folks need to be reminded not to look directly into the sun when it's being covered for risk of permanently damaging their eyesight. This doesn't mean humans are idiots, it just means they're human when you think you can suddenly look at the sun after a lifetime of avoiding it. The temptation is overwhelming. And don't even get me started on the hassle these things create for parents.

All of my kids' schools are providing them with special safety glasses which cannot have cost more than a Burger King cardboard crown to produce and are going to be sent out there full of post-lunch sugar and mild supervision to see what this thing is all about. The first thing I had to do when I woke up this morning was to desperately plead for them to not fry their rods and cones like Kramer becuase the "cool kid" Brayden or whatever decided to take off their glasses and be a bad boy. There is simply too much on parents' plate to throw this on top.

And won't anyone think of the teachers? Suddenly they're responsible for cornea health on top of everything else? They have to convince kids who play video games that are more realistic than actual real life to jam their head into some tinfoil-covered periscope-like device to see a shadow on a piece of white paper? And that's the payoff? Tough gig.

Eclipses aren't only for kids but if we force ourselves to be honest we have to admit they are mostly for kids. Compare this sun-staring insanity with its much chiller cousin, the lunar eclipse. Kids get to be up at an hour of the night they've never seen before and sit on a blanket in the dewy grass and stare, barefoot and fancy-free into the slowly-changing face of the moon. That's the good stuff right there.

Again, not to get too technical here but the moon is also bigger because it's closer to the earth. The sun, for all its power is like a dime in the sky. Get a lunar eclipse during a full moon approaching super moon status and, baby, you've got a stew going.

Let people enjoy things and all that. Of course. Today is going to be really special. But don't for a single second suggest it competes with the other kind of eclipse.