Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest to Be Shown on Tape-Delay Because ESPN Hates America

Instead, ESPN and ESPN2 will show an international tennis tournament while you will have to go online in order to watch the Hot Dog Eating Contest live on ESPN3.com. The contest will be shown on on television on tape-delay at 3pm? Why? Because of something called “Wimbledon.” You know where that takes place? England. Anyone here remember what we’re celebrating on Independence Day? Anyone? I believe we’re celebrating our independence from ENGLAND. Does anyone else here have an issue with the greatest American sporting tradition being preempted on the holiday that celebrates our independence from England in favor of a tennis tournament in England?

The Wimbledon tournament was founded a year after America’s centennial and is known for its royal patronage. The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was created in the 20th century in America, by Americans. I for one will be boycotting ESPN tomorrow in favor of finding an illegal stream of the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Like my forefathers, I’m going to take what is rightfully mine. After that, I’m organizing as many readers as I can to go to Bristol, Connecticut where we will dress like SportsCenter anchors, infiltrate ESPN headquarters and dispose of all their tea. This aggression will not stand. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Update: You can watch live on ESPN3.com, which may not have been made clear in the original draft. That’s a technicality. This is an American event that deserves the reverence of live television.