Troll Column Of The Week: Soccer Is Killing Football

American soccer has advantage over fumbling NFL

Sports historians will look back on what happened at ESPN’s ESPY awards the other night and pinpoint it as the broadcast that signaled the rise of soccer and the death of football.

*spit take* What!? Someone will look back at an ESPYs that wasn’t hosted by Norm MacDonald? Sir, you are a silly goose.

And with that remarkable U.S. women’s team playing for a World Cup this weekend in Germany — and with the Chicago Fire at Toyota Park getting a new midfielder from Argentina — it couldn’t come at a better time.

He lost me at “Chicago Fire.” What came at a good time? The death of football? The rise of soccer? What are the Chicago Fire? What is Toyota Park?

That’s because American football — with the labor lockouts and the carnage and the helmets and those performance-enhancing drugs and that barbarian linebacker from Pittsburgh — is slowly dying.

Football is dying? Because there’s an unnamed Argentinian midfielder on fire in Chicago? Why, *dusts off columnist handbook* that’s the least likely hit since Kenard got Omar.

American parents are becoming more worried about their boys suffering concussions from football, and now millions of American kids play soccer. Yes, there are injuries in soccer, concussions even, but violence to the head isn’t programmed into the game.

Football has concussions so it is dangerous! Soccer is not dangerous because of the concussions.

The American game is growing through youth club traveling soccer and being taught by committed, experienced coaches. And now, in July, the boys traveling club season has given way to fall high school practices, and boys high school coaches are already working their players.

July is part of the fall now. School is back in session in Chicago. Don’t bothe bringing an apple to Mr. Kass’ class. Bring a soccer ball because soccer is so big that they play it all year round! This is the only sport in the world that people play during consecutive seasons. Try picking up a football in April. I defy you!

I’m not trying to take anything from American football. It was a great game once, before rule changes and technology turned it into an excuse to destroy amazing athletes for money.

I’m not sure what this means. Is he mad there are rules that help prevent dangerous concussions? And the technology he speaks of? I think he’s talking about Real Steel.

And still, I enjoy watching the Chicago Bears.

Why bother? They won’t be there in a year. The NFL is going the way of the dodo.

But it’s a guilty pleasure, like watching prizefighting.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it boxing fans! He can’t help but watch the Bears, much like I can’t help but watch iCarly. Why is Sam always so hungry!?

So if the NFL goes on strike, it might bother some of us, but it wouldn’t be all that bad. We’d have more time to spend with our families. We’d have more time to enjoy soccer. And Fox and ESPN, which have increased their soccer broadcasting, will be ready.

Seems he should have run this a couple weeks ago before it looked like a certainty that we were just hours away from the lockout ending. Of course, soccer hadn’t ascended yet.

It seems that the beautiful game is ascendant everywhere in America except perhaps in the minds of some American sports journalists.

Soccer is your favorite sport. It has ascended! Only close-minded journalist still enjoy it. Except as an ironic guilty pleasure. It’s like watching a baby bird die. You can’t look away!

And nowhere was the this clearer than on the ESPYs the other night.

Wait. What? I’ll skip ahead of recap of the Wambach goal. The long and short of it is that Wambach did a good job and ESPN did an incredible job because they showed the entire play. Here’s how he wraps everything up.

And American football?

Now it’s all about labor disputes, lockouts and lawyers. And Americans don’t pay to watch lawyers.

Only because Franklin & Bash isn’t PPV, my man.

So there you have it. A ridiculous premise that is supported by “facts” that are not even tangentially related. On Monday, we will go back to not paying attention to soccer unless there is an international competition and we will wait patiently while the final touches are put on some legal documents and football ascends to its rightful place in the sporting world.

[via @NotDRovell, Getty]