Game of Thrones: "Two Swords" Recap

Look at all those fancy new places!

Ser Jaime Lannister, The One-Handed Oath-Breaking Man Without Honor and No Family — Somebody got a haircut during vacation! Suddenly Jaime is just another of Tywin’s disappointing seeds. The good news is, he’s got a new hand. On the other hand… sorry … his girlfriend/sister is mad at him. It’s odd that I feel bad that a character can’t have sex with his own sister.

Tyrion, Master of Coin and Diplomacy — His wife despises him. His girlfriend is mad at him. His family hates him. His family’s enemy wants to kill him. And the guy who started the series in a brothel in a 4-way isn’t in the mood for any sexy time. And now one of Cersei’s spies is going to tell her who his actual whore is. No spoilers, but I don’t think this season is headed in a good direction for he or Shae.

Pod — Is that a new actor or did Pod hit the weight room with Bryce Harper over the winter?

Prince Oberyn — Not a man for welcome parties, but he’s all for adult parties. The latest in a long line of characters to be introduced in the most badass way possible. (That’s why I never sing in brothels btw) Also, his lady friend was in “Rome” and “Luther.”

[REMOVED: One gif of King’s Landing prostitute putting foot over head like a figure skater]

Daario Naharis — They replaced the original Daario with Sonny from “Treme.” This was jarring. Also, my wife told me that in the books Daario has a blue beard. The original Daario would not give Dany flowers. That’s a total Sonny move. Will they later explain that Daario is a Faceless Man? Still though. Sonny.

Khaleesi — Just walking around, getting flowers, shaking her head at men and looking at dead children. And her kids are becoming very angry teenagers.

Grey Worm — If that’s how they gamble across the narrow sea, then no, I don’t want to go to the casino with you.

Sansa — She hasn’t been coping well. Or eating. Or smiling. Hopefully the sad, fat, drunken knight clown gave her something to live for.

Cersei — She’s been drinking more. I’m not sure what the real time is on how long Jaime was gone, but she has coldly moved on in a way that only a Lannister can. Between her and Tyrion, can we start a new saying that says, “A Lannister is never in the mood,” or just put “Not tonight” on their house sigil?

Jon Snow — This was Jon Snow’s cop movie disciplinary hearing episode. He did everything but have the captain of the Night’s Watch open a drawer and pull out his sword and badge and tell him to get out of his sight. You need Jon Snow on that wall. It was like Jon Snow became Jimmy McNulty for one scene.

Margaery — I fully expect the episode where she kills Joffrey in an S&M accident on their wedding night to draw about 40 million viewers.

Queen of Thorns — Still sassy as ever. Throwing Johnny Weir’s necklaces off balconies. Reacting to Brienne. Call me crazy, but I think she could make an honest man out of Tywin. Just a thought.

Brienne of Tarth — She’s just trying to protect everyone. You have to love how everyone just brushes off her concerns. Sure, half the people in the kingdom have been murdered, but I’m sure everyone who is alive will be just fine! Has no one on the show been watching the show? Listen to Brienne!

King Joffrey — First of all, while watching the entire GoT marathon on HBO2 three straight times, I was thrown off by Jack Gleeson’s actual accent each and every time he spoke. This kid is amazing at being despicable. And the statue. And how he sees the world. He bought into his own hype so fast. What a douche.

The Hound and Arya — OMGOMGOMG. I have no idea how long this scene lasted. Felt like 15 seconds. Everything about this duo is amazing. (It was nice to see the episode end with both Stark girls smiling for the first time in forever.) “What the fuck’s a Lommy?” may hold up as the best line of the season. Arya and The Hound make a great team.

Gods be good. It is good to be back.