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Game of Thrones: "Breaker of Chains" Recap

dead Joffrey faceSorry guys, Joffrey can’t die in every episode.

RIP Ser Court Jester Dude – To think, I was just about to learn his name for future recaps.

Sansa and Lord Baelish

Little Finger – Aiden Gillen’s accent and affectations have gone full theater kid on steroids. So he definitely plans to make Sansa into a miniature version of Catlyn, right?

Margaery - Who wouldn’t take a chance on that curse?

Lady Margaery in black

callum-wharry-1tommen-2Prince Tommen Baratheon – This is Joffrey’s little brother and one of Cersei and Jaime’s other children. He was originally played by Callum Wharry, but our next king will be Dean-Charles Chapman who took over last season. When Tywin asked him if he knew what it meant now that Joffrey was dead I bet he wanted to blurt out, “My script contains lines for my character!?”

Tywin Lannister – Imagine you just got a new job. You show up for your first day and Tywin Lannister is there in H.R., ready to help you acclimate to your new position. The guy whose job you’re taking is still cleaning out his desk. “Do you know what makes a good accountant?” 15 minutes later your mother is crying and Tywin is explaining exactly how you’re going to bang the secretary across the street so that this merger goes through. Tywin is awesome.

Jaime and Cersei – In the first episode of the season, when the Lannisters changed their house words to “Not Tonight,” Jaime asks Cersei, “Not now? When?” I think he misread the nonverbal answer to that question. “At the foot of our incestual son’s open casket in the middle of church while a bunch of priests and our dad are right outside,” does not seem like the answer. Though with all those candles, I can see how the signals might have been mixed. Remember when everyone was kind of rooting for Jaime last season and he was sympathetic?

dead JoffreyJoffrey – With it being Easter, everyone was a little bit worried he was going to wake up, right? Though, it would have been awesome for him to come back to life, see what was happening on the floor next to him and kill himself again. Hey, if Tywin can speak ill of the dead, so can I.

The Hound and Arya – I almost forgot that Arya only wants to kill her enemies because she can be so angry and badass. Meanwhile, The Hound remains a realist. And a jerk. He’s still awesome though.

The-Hound

Sam and Gilly – *Yawn* This coupling is worse than Joey and Rachel. Sam’s plan to make sure nobody bangs Gilly is to put her to work in a whorehouse. The economy in the north obviously doesn’t provide many job opportunities for people without college degrees.

Stannis – I could listen to Stephen Dillane read the phone book as Stannis Baratheon.

Ser Davos – OMG! Did he know Syrio!?

Prince Oberyn – Shows up in town for a wedding. Spends his days in a brothel having sex with men and women. Gets offered, like, 3 high-profile jobs by the most powerful man in the the 7 kingdoms.

Tywin and Prince Oberyn handshake

Tyrion – I’m sure he’ll be fine. The hero never dies. /runs away crying

Tyrion in jail and Podrick

Pod – At no point did Pod say he turned down their offer. He’s definitely showing up at the trial to testify against Tyrion. I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

scary guy from north of the wallWildlings – In their defense, they put that guy who had to eat boiled potatoes every damn day out of his misery.

White Walkers – Remember when they were marching towards the wall at the beginning of season one? Did they all melt?

Danaerys FIREDany – We get it. You’re Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons. I don’t need to see her introduce herself to every city from here to King’s Landing. Idea: They just take all the scenes of Daenerys marching through the desert, feeding her dragons, learning about the local botany and freeing slaves with symbolism and cut them together into one single montage right before she gets on a ship and heads across the Narrow Sea. I found a fitting tune that I think fits:

I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. In case you didn’t get enough of my voice in the above video* You can listen to last week’s podcast here. I’ll update this with a link when the new one goes up. [update: here is this week's podcast]

*How can you tell when a blogger copy & pastes? When he accidentally – and falsely – identifies himself as Vanessa Carlton.

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