EPL Monday: Jose Mourinho Trolls Hard After Win; Welcome Back Watford!

Sometimes the joke is on us, the people who watch the Premier League week in, week out. Against all better judgement you tune in for Arsenal-Chelsea on Sunday hoping against all hope for something entertaining. Instead? All the worst the EPL has to offer: continually questionable decision-making from the referees, disturbing concussion protocol for Oscar following a clash with David Ospina, and Jose Mourinho smirking at the end of a 0-0 result.

Hey look, when you go into a match with a 10-point gap as Chelsea did on Sunday you can play however you like. Above all its a results-oriented business and since August, the Blues have piled up enough points doing their thing. I hate coming back to Game of Thrones all the time, but league soccer is often like the fight between the Red Viper and the Mountain. Let’s leave it at that in terms of spoilers, but in the end style points often lose out to grim, ruthless, brutal efficiency.

Man of the Match John Terry grinning in celebration at midfield following a scoreless draw is probably something George R.R. Martin will use as inspiration whenever he decides to finish The Winds of Winter.

And, as we’ve long known, Mourinho truly gives zero fucks what anyone outside his circle thinks:

Chelsea can mathematically seal the title next weekend with a win in the mid-week vs. Leicester City and a win vs. Crystal Palace.

Win, lose or draw, Arsenal weren’t catching Chelsea. The Gunners can still win another FA Cup and place second, which is still a pretty good season regardless of Jose’s post-match trolling.

Relegation-O-Rama

“Plenty of passion! Plenty of heart! In a game that’s lacked any real quality so far in the first half.” — the EPL world feed announcer at halftime of Burnley/Leicester City, which was scoreless at the time. This was said with a full-throated gusto and mostly straight face. If there’s anything the English commentators love it’s leather-lunged hustle, right?

Leicester won 1-0 thanks to a wild sequence that saw Matty Taylor miss a penalty for the Clarets, and the Foxes scoring the winner at the other end barely 60 seconds later. As a result, Nigel Person’s team is out of the Bottom Three for the first time since 2014, give or take.

Relegation is a great concept and — especially in this season — keeps the EPL interesting down the stretch. When the FA Cup rolls around it’s always nice to see teams like Bolton, Middlesbrough, Blackburn Rovers (former EPL winners) etc. pop up and remind us that, yes, they used to toil away in the Prem. Teams come. Teams go. In rare cases, we’ll see a club like Swansea City come from nowhere and put up roots in the top flight longer than anyone expected. (Staying up this year is especially important in England with the new domestic TV deal for the EPL worth close to $8 billion from 2016-2019.)

That said, few sing songs for relegated clubs, aside from the fans themselves. Relegation affects the fans the most, well, after the pocket books of the club owners — at least $75 million from television payments. The TV money is a windfall for the promoted clubs, but without sound management and, often, the backing of a mega-rich billionaire owner it’s not enough to sustain a team in the top flight by itself. The players themselves? Nobody wants to be relegated, but if you’re someone like Danny Ings you’ll be sold off or move on to another club soon enough.

Anyways, I’ve thought about how might we feel if any of the seven teams below disappear into the trap door of the Championship?

14. Newcastle United (35 points, 34 games played)

Geordies faithfully turn out at St. James Park to the tune of 50,000 per match at nearly 97 percent capacity. That’s the building block for revenue and, in turn, a “big” club. Under circumstances that might be the case except … owner Mike Ashley probably realized the best the Magpies can ever achieve is, perhaps, fifth place and then decided to sell off players with minimal return which forced another manager (Alan Pardew) to leave St. James Park. Cynical behavior like that deserves relegation. Ashley missing out on the EPL television money would be some sort of justice, but the club, which has lost seven straight dating back to March 4, will likely get one more result needed to survive, allowing Ashley to do it all again next season.

15. Aston Villa (32, 34)

On its name alone “Aston Villa” screams English soccer. Unfortunately, after peaking around sixth during the Martin O’Neill era, the club’s gone downhill since, floundering into mediocrity under the watch of American owner Randy Lerner. If there’s a redeeming value in Villa its the play of Christian Benteke over the last couple weeks. Finally healthy, the Belgian is worth the price of admission. And, if you care, some find everything manager Tim Sherwood does amusing. Even if the team stays up, holding onto Benteke another season will be difficult. Usually I tend to think take the money, but Benteke’s goals (nine in all competitions since March 3) are irreplaceable for Villa, which will face Arsenal in the FA Cup final later this month.

If Benteke goes, at least Villa will still have Sherwood and Joe Cole.

16. Hull City (31, 33)

If any EPL team screams “making up the numbers” its Hull City. Maybe all that needs to be said is the biggest story line for the club in 2014-15 is owner Assem Allam wanting to rebrand Hull City as Hull Tigers.

17. Leicester City (31, 33)

One of the mysteries of modern English football is that a team like Leicester City can run away with the Championship (second division), piling up over 100 points and immediately struggle in the Premier League. A composed, winning team should in theory be better on the field than some of the hastily assembled bottom tier EPL teams, right? Slowly but surely Nigel Person’s team is playing better, plugging away with results. The Foxes didn’t go crazy signing players with Premier League experience like many promoted clubs — Marc Albrighton says enough — but perhaps leaning on the core of a team that was actually quite good, albeit in a lower league, isn’t a terrible idea rather than wantonly buying unknowns in January, which tends to compound the issue long-term.

Wes Morgan, Danny Drinkwater, Leonardo Ulloa, Riyad Mahrez etc. are proving capable, or capable enough to stave off relegation. Should the Foxes pull off an escape — they’d be the first team to be bottom at Christmas to survive since West Brom in 2005 — they’ll need smart reinforcements in the summer. Grabbing Croatian would-be star Andrej Kramaric over Chelsea is a start toward that.

18. Sunderland (30, 33)

The Black Cats have won the Championship twice in the last decade, perhaps that’s their level. Dropping down a level and re-booting, as it were, might not be a bad idea. Keeping Adam Johnson on the active roster at the moment, even in a relegation battle, is bad karma.

19. QPR (27, 34)

As much as I enjoy games at Loftus Road, signing Rio Ferdinand in the summer should be a ticket to automatic relegation. QPR fans best hope, somehow, former manager Harry Redknapp didn’t leave the Hoops in taters like he did at Portsmouth — now fighting to stay in League Two. QPR, or specifically its wage bill, ought to serve as a cautionary tale of how NOT to build your team after winning promotion. A looming potential fine for violating Financial Fair Play could jeopardize the club, too.

20. Burnley (26, 34)

Turf Moor is a fantastic name for a stadium. Ginger Mourinho is an even better nickname for manager Sean Dyche. George Boyd’s hair is glorious. So yes, it will be sad to see Burnley go and the Clarets did put up a decent fight against some of the top teams in the table, but 26 points is still 26 points.

Goof of the Week:

Sorry Brad Guzan. Hopefully Jurgen wasn’t watching.

Stat of the Week:

That seems like a long time.

We Are Going Up!:

Watford is the first team to clinch automatic promotion to the Premier League, although the Hornets have yet to clinch first place in the Championship. Eddie Howe’s Bournemouth plays Bolton on Monday. If the Cherries win they’ll still have a chance to grab first place going into the final weekend. Look at this table!

Here’s a quick primer on Watford and I am duty bound to remind you that Elton John once owned the club. It’s now in the hands of the Pozzo family, which also owns Udinese in Italy and Granada in Spain, setting up a strange situation where the clubs essentially share players. In previous seasons Watford’s lineup was loaded with loan players from Udinese, now it’s down to Czech international Matěj Vydra, who scored 15 times this season.

Oddly enough Watford’s current roster features as many Italians (4) as Englishmen. Mexico international Miguel Layún also features. Two names that might be familiar to EPL fans on the Hornets are former Spurs keeper Gomes and ex-Wigan midfielder Ben Watson, who scored the game-winner in the 2013 FA Cup final vs. Manchester City.

Watford’s last spell in the Premier League came in 2006-07 when it featured former U.S. international Jay DeMerit.

Award Season:

The PFA (Pro Footballers Association) team of the week came out over the weekend. Lots of Chelsea players in the XI. It’s always odd they pick the team with 4-5 games left to be played. Eden Hazard figures to win Player of the Year, deservedly.

The Table:

1. Chelsea 77 points, 33 games played
2. Manchester City 67/34
3. Arsenal 67/33
4. Manchester United 65/34
5. Liverpool 58/34

16. Hull City 31/33
17. Leicester City 31/33
18. Sunderland 30/33
19. QPR 27/34
20. Burnley 26/34

Looking ahead:

Two semi-important make-up games in the middle of the week. Hull City plays Liverpool on Tuesday, while Chelsea plays Leicester City on Wednesday.