NFL Podium Fashion: Jameis Winston's Clown Suit, Antonio Brown's Gold, and JPP's Toddler Tie Knot

One of the most convenient platforms for an NFL player to expand that all-important personal brand is at the postgame podium, where answering bland questions can also double as an opportunity to showcase their fashion sensibilities and personality to millions of fans and #brands across the globe.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does NOT. These are their stories.

Unfortunate BYE Weeks

Joe Flacco, Matt Stafford, Bruce’s hat, Russell Wilson, Alex Smith, and … the Texans

Week 9 was a bit of a mixed bag when it came to who was missing in action. Joe Flacco falls into his own special category of “grace” and “charisma,” so his absences are forever tragic. Russell Wilson is always fun to watch and often dresses like he’s on the set of Return of the Jedi, so he’s an obvious loss. And so is Bruce Arians, who is reportedly spending his weekend as a guest pit boss at Mandalay Bay. But then there’s Matt Stafford, Bill O’Brien, and Alex Smith, a trio renowned for unabashed excitement and inspiration. At least they agreed to take the same weekend off.

Jameis Winston

This is one hell of an aggressive look by Jameis Winston, who apparently came straight from a Rodney Dangerfield wedding in 1973. And while I must give the guy credit for taking such a leap of faith — especially since the Bucs lost — the only night of the year that this jacket, shirt and tie are allowed to join forces is on Halloween.

Antonio Brown

Not only did Antonio Brown stay loyal to the Steelers brand, he made his jeweler beam with pride in the process. That’s the shining smile — and neck — of a guy who had a pret-tay, pret-tay, pret-tay good game.

Aaron Rodgers

Wow. Aaron Rodgers looks fabulous! It’s as though the cameras have been replaced with mirrors and he’s staring into — and through — his own soul.

So, Aaron, any thoughts on this week’s review?

I see. Understood.

Tom Brady

One flap up, one flap down. What the hell is going on here? Opting for the black version of Inspector Gadget’s jacket — one that appears to be suited only for the likes of Sloth or an enormous bear standing on two legs — does not equate to a fashion victory. Sir Thomas was eventually airlifted from the podium thanks to his shoulder straps and two handy, industrial strength hooks.

Cam Newton

No bow tie this week. But it hardly matters. Tom Brady is, without question, hearing footsteps.

Jason Pierre-Paul

It might seem harsh to criticize the tie knot of a man dealing with some “hand issues,” but this is completely absurd. You could walk into a Chuck E. Cheese and get better results from the miserable teenager working the register than what we have here. The voluminous collection of bird eggs on his tie is a wonderful touch.

Blake Bortles

At this point, I’m pretty much convinced Blake Bortles has replaced his armpit hair and both of his nipples with Jaguar team logos. Seriously, does this guy wear anything else? We’ve reached the stage where an “I Love Farting” t-shirt would’ve been considered an impressive upgrade.

Andy Dalton

If one of Andy Dalton’s goals this season was to become an actual Bengal, consider the mission accomplished. He’s basically the backdrop in this instance and appears to be going all-in by licking his own paw. Pretty solid performance art, if you ask me.

Rob Ninkovich?

Yes, Rob Ninkovich. The only thing missing from this wonderful bond of beard and plaid is a pair of stonewashed overalls. Surprisingly, in this case, that’s not an insult. Denim overalls were invented for guys like Rob Ninkovich.

Brandon Marshall

Brandon Marshall seems to be adjusting to life in New York quite well. The great Clyde Frazier might even feel obliged to stand and applaud this old school ensemble depsite the fact it does not feature any cheetah patterns.

Marcus Williams

The New York Jets are winning AND styling. Some of them happen to be doing so in their own unique, perhaps Hasidic, way. Yes, this has been a strange season for sure.

Andrew Luck

If this doesn’t explain it all, nothing ever will.

Matt Ryan

Did You Know? Matt Ryan literally wears losses on his face. This guy badly needs to hire a podium double.

Johnny Manziel

It’s OK, Johnny. I too shamelessly do the fake head scratch to “subtly” show off my gold watch. Underrated, veteran move. Oh, and while we’re here — how was your weekend, BRO?

Bill Belichick

Did someone file an official request for Bill Belichick to show off a little more skin? Because he’s basically saying, “well here it is, honey, you happy now?” This man’s masterful ownership of the podium over the years knows no bounds.

Blaine Gabbert!

Oh my. Blaine Gabbert helped the 49ers earn a win against the Atlanta Falcons and let’s just say that’s where the music stopped. A short-sleeved, linen button-down from the discount bin at Old Navy will not cut it under any circumstances. Sadly, I kind of expected this to happen.

Shaun Hill

Shaun Hill, NFL quarterback or some guy being swarmed by local media after saving the neighborhood cat?

Tyrod Taylor

Tyrod Taylor looks like a dude who has settled into his role and settled into his suit. Not trying too hard, while at the same time not coming up short. The city of Buffalo thanks you, Tyrod.

Drew Brees

Drew Brees isn’t sporting a boring button-down and doesn’t appear to be headed for a round of 18, so consider this a major step forward for the Saints quarterback.

Peyton Manning

“Dots, Stripes, and Some More Stripes: The Internal Struggle of Peyton Manning” will be the name of the documentary I make about the Broncos QB once a major studio gives me the green light.

Byron Maxwell

Byron Maxwell going with the “Ed Reed makeover.” The convenience of opting for such a look is that you really don’t have to do anything at all. However you look, is however you look.

Marcus Mariota

Despite a superb comeback win in New Orleans, Marcus Mariota continues to appear just a tad uneasy standing in front of any sort of video-taping or photo-snapping device. His suit game, however, remains firmly intact.

LeSean McCoy

Judging by his sweater sleeve, LeSean McCoy is already looking ahead to Christmas, which is a sure lock to drive everyone at Nordstrom absolutely bonkers. Well done.

Ryan Quigley

Dare I suggest that Jets punter Ryan Quigley was not prepared to be asked anything by anyone? The guy looks like he’s been asked to offer up the Jets’ latest P&L report a day earlier than expected.

Dan Campbell

I can guarantee you one thing, and one thing only: Dan Campbell is going to absolutely eviscerate The Undertaker and anyone else who gets in his path at Survivor Series. There is not a scarier coach in the NFL.

Jordan Hicks

Local Philadelphia high school standout, Jordan Hicks, saw some solid action last night, tallying 7 tackles; 6 of them solo. Per source, Jordan missed homeroom this morning but did make it to chemistry class.

Bonus Round

This was utterly ridiculous.

Yet another great moment for Cam. Don’t lie. You would’ve done the same.

The NFL is a fascinating world of its own.

Kirk Cousins: “Come on, Tom, let me touch. Just this once.”
Tom Brady: “Oooooh fine, go ahead.”

Word of advice: Be very, very afraid.

***

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