NFL Podium Fashion: Johnny Manziel Needs a Stylist, Marcus Mariota's Mess and Happy Jay Cutler

One of the most convenient platforms for an NFL player to expand that all-important personal brand is at the postgame podium, where answering bland questions can also double as an opportunity to showcase their fashion sensibilities and personality to millions of fans and #brands across the globe.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does NOT. These are their stories.

Unfortunate BYE Weeks

Matt Ryan, Andrew Luck (for awhile), Philip Rivers, and … BLAINE GABBERT

Wow, talk about a diverse group. No Philip Rivers meant no possibility of a Fish Face or a bolo tie. The absence of Matt Ryan left a rather large ditch to fill with buckets of sweat. Meanwhile, poor Blaine Gabbert was just getting used to all of the attention only to be banished to his couch. And then there’s Andrew Luck, who will be out up to six weeks. Just terrible news on numerous levels. Let’s hope the hairy woodsman doesn’t even think of shaving during all of this downtime.

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Joe Flacco

Everything OK at home, Joe? Gonna slowly, slowly, back away. OK? There are some good people here to help you, Joe.

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Tyrod Taylor

I speak for many — many — Tyrod, when I shout BEAT NEW ENGLAND from rooftop to rooftop, because it sure as hell isn’t gonna be the Broncos. And the word “Jets” and “reliable” go together like “peanut-butter” and “flying loogie.” So, in summation: In TYROD we MUST TRUST. Also, lookin’ sharp, man.

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Marcus Mariota

Win or lose, Marcus Mariota normally wears a a perfectly tailored suit, until … well, until this. Worst outfit of the year? Absolutely. There are 12-year-olds attending school dances with more conscious style than this dumpster fire. Just a complete and utter debacle. Mariota would’ve looked better with antlers affixed to his head and a hairy chest sweater.

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Blake Bortles

Dude! Where’s the f***ing bracelet!

FURIOUS. But yeah, comfort is key. I get it.

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Cam Newton

Wow, talk about falling off the page. It’s going to be 65 degrees in Charlotte today, Cam. For the love of fashion, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

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Russell Wilson

Remember when Russell Wilson used to care what he looked like? Losing tends to change people. Though that hoody does look quite comfortable.

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Peyton Manning

No one adores a patterned button-down quite like Peyton Manning. And while this isn’t necessarily a bad look, would it kill the guy to wear a tie that houses one — and only one — color? I’m almost surprised his jacket isn’t bedazzled with Milk Duds.

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Brock Osweiler

This is how it’s done, Pey-Pey. Spiffy, yet casual at the same time. It’s really not that hard. Yes, your 24-year-old understudy just put you in a clown suit, something you’re all too familiar with.

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Tom Brady

The Giants routinely torture the mental state of Tom Brady — who looks emaciated — and there’s no better example than this incredibly lazy effort. Sure, tough game. But he looks like a waiter freshly off his shift and in dire need to meet up with everyone for drinks.

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Nick Foles

Is Nick Foles alive? That’s really all we want to know.

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Stephen Gostkowski

“I go out there and sing a song in my head.” Hey, whatever works, man.

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Derek Carr

Whether it’s subtle or directly in your face, Derek Carr stays loyal to the Raiders brand each and every week.

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Odell Beckham

What does Odell Beckham need to do to earn podium rights? The Giants star looks like someone’s attempting to shave his head with their phone. This dude deserves far better.

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Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ryan Fitzpatrick wore his uniform to the podium. You know that saying of “he’s a true Yankee!” following a walk-off home run or something equally monumental? After this move, Ryan Fitzpatrick is officially a True Jet.

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Johnny Manziel

I feel like Johnny Football should be watching Shia LaBeouf watch movies starring Shia LaBeouf. Love the jacket, hate the Hanes undershirt. As usual, so close, yet so tragically far. Pretty safe to say the Cleveland Browns will never get it fully right. And frankly, nothing has ever made more sense than that sentence.

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LeSean McCoy

What a splendid mix of comfort and style. Also worth noting: That earring in LeSean McCoy’s right ear quadruples your indecisive 401k plan. Facts are facts.

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Antonio Brown

Antonio Brown absolutely stuck the landing to put the proper punch on his spirited TD, but please, stop doing that. A shower of ACLs and MCLs flying into the stands is not something anyone wants to see, especially Steeler fans. Nonetheless, how can anyone hate on someone so clearly pleased with oneself? Now please gift this man a god damn podium.

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Ben Roethlisberger

The Big Ben “what the hell is a shower?” routine is reaching unsettling territory. Someone feed this man some 2-in-1 Pert.

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Jared Allen

Excellent effort. But not really.

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Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler has been a key focal point of these installments from day one and I can say, without question, this is the happiest ray of sunshine to ever emanate from this man’s face. And he has the pimp suit to go with it.

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Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins threw for 324 yards and 4 TDs, so this bizarre version of “You Like That” feels exceedingly appropriate.

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Matthew Stafford

The inept Detroit Lions somehow won a football game in Green Bay of all places. To celebrate, Matthew Stafford insisted on singing himself a pleasing lullaby. Getting your 2nd win of the season in Week 10 does strange things to people. Fair enough.

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Aaron Rodgers

Holy crap. While I do like the jacket, Aaron Rodgers looks like he should be sitting next to Robert DeNiro in Awakenings. Send help. Sooooooon.

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Connor Barwin

If you think Connor Barwin is sitting in this space for any reason other than his Kramer hair, you’d be wrong.

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Gary Kubiak

Gary Kubiak’s staunch devotion to trapping his hair in a 1983 barbershop is something to behold.

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Ryan Tannehill The Dolphins

This team won. No, seriously, they did. Sports radio in Philly should be a wild mess today.

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Jameis Winston

Jameis Winston with just a wonderful rebound after last week’s tribute to a 1973 wedding party. Hey, we all make mistakes.

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Drew Brees, with Jahri Evans Presiding

This appears to be Jahri Evans reacting to the tie choice of quarterback Drew Brees, and I can hardly blame the guy. Exceptional jacket, rudely interrupted by an unforeseen candy ribbon tie. Very poetic of the Saints Twitter account to combine these images into one tweet. It’s a beautiful storyboard.

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Lovie Smith

Yup. We’ve lost Lovie in the backdrop. Again. Don’t act like you’re surprised.

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Bonus Round

Let’s make one thing clear: There is no “Eli Face.” Quite simply — down by 20, up by 40 — this is Eli Manning’s face. Now go find a new meme …

Oh.

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Jim. Bob. Cooter. The day this name gets old is the day I dress like Marcus Mariota.

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Oh, those edgy Panthers. Yes, they are the weakest 9-0 team in NFL history.

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Gah! Make it go away.

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