NFL Podium Fashion: Big Ben's Antlers, Derek Carr's Suit Sweater, and the Return of Clipboard Jesus

As we’ve learned throughout the course of this vibrant NFL season, the postgame podium can serve as a player’s best friend or their most sworn enemy. It’s proved to raise the personal brands of already established stars — like Russ, Cam, and Tom — to even higher levels, while sinking others like a Newman cannonball. Oh yes, we’re lookin’ directly at you, Carson Palmer, Big Ben, and Blake Bortles.

By now, after 16 weeks, the journey has spoken for itself and taught us the glaringly obvious:

Sometimes it works. And sometimes it does NOT. These are their stories.

***

No BYE Weeks

That’s right, GRONK. Everyone is in and we all know what’s at stake. Even the Browns! Yes, when you lose on a regular basis, the stakes remain just as high as it pertains to your slot in the NFL draft that will inevitably be botched. Right now, it’s an exciting flop to the finish between the Browns and Titans.

*******

Clipboard Jesus

Charlie Whitehurst more than likely stayed an extra night to work in some quality time in South Beach, as evidenced by his getup that basically says “look at my hairy chest and scream, ladies.” Surprisingly, Clipboard Jesus seemed a little overwhelmed just thinking about all the “tasks” that lay ahead. Either that, or he was posing for his latest album cover. Probably a mix of both. When this dude finally calls it quits — which I hope never happens — he needs to play a hitman in every movie that requires a hitman.

***

Russell Wilson

Russ is wearing the jacket that his parents got him for Christmas and suddenly looks like a guy headed to his first day at the office in the dead of winter rather than the stylish NFL quarterback we’ve come to know.

***

DeAndre Hopkins

DeAndre Hopkins as the Emperor just won’t allow this damn Star Wars thing to die. But I do love the idea of turning a scarf into a fancy head-cape. This is like the fine dining version of Cam’s signature E.T. towel look.

And yes, it’s certainly worth taking another look at Lord Hopkins.

DeAndre Hopkins going with the cool Jedi look. #Texans pic.twitter.com/OGMiiL3UJP
— Brian T. Smith (@ChronBrianSmith) December 27, 2015

***

Charles Woodson

I’m not sure a black undershirt makes any sense with an open light blue button-down, but I find it hard to say anything negative here at all. Charles Woodson conducting his press conference after his final home game as a Raider, with his adorable children in tow, was nothing short of tremendous. Very cool moment.

***

Tom Brady

It was back to the basics for Sir Thomas. Nice jacket, open button-down, and a wry smirk that tells you he’s fully aware the Steelers’ playoff chances took a major hit and that he can steal your wife at any moment he chooses to do so.

***

Cam Newton

I enjoy that Cam Newton purposely steps to the side of the mic to allow viewers to get a good look at his exceptional ensemble. Say what you want about the guy, but he’s always the grand champ at the podium when ever he opts to leave the dead rabbit on the dressing room floor.

***

Matthew Slater

***

Eli Manning

Aaaaaaand the worldwide, courageous search for a normal photo of Eli Manning continues on. He’s wearing a perfectly fine suit though. Eli almsot always looks presentable, he just tends to either make weird faces or sport the demeanor of a gawky teenager.

***

Brandon Marshall

Brandon Marshall needs zero help when it comes to style. Dude just gets it. That hat has the perfect New York feel, making it officially Clyde Frazier-approved.

***

Matt Ryan

Matt Ryan handed the Panthers their first loss of the season yet he looks like he just got done watching Making A Murderer. I have great fear for what Matty might’ve look like had he actually been watching Making A Murderer.

***

Alex Smith

Alex Smith is rarely interesting so he’s not often seen in this space. Until NOW. Because this was interesting. And awesome.

***

Sam Bradford

Sam Bradford treats press conferences like he’s been having a quiet, peaceful dinner with his family and then all of the sudden, BOOM, hordes of media show up to the table with countless questions, including why he ordered his steak well-done. This is one lost puppy.

***

Carson Palmer

This was Carson Palmer before the game, thanks to losing a QB bucket challenge between himself, Drew Stanton, and Matt Barkley.

And here’s Carson Palmer after the game. As we’ve come to learn oh so well, this guy just doesn’t care. Those sleeves are almost large enough to encase a keg and Palmer could not be happier.

***

Ben Roethlisberger

Big Ben’s antlers were by far the runaway winner of the week. He’s sneaky creative when it comes to this kind of stuff and his deadpan is out of this world.

***

DeSean Jackson

What in the hell is this? DeSean Jackson is listed at 5’10, 175 pounds. But I’m pretty sure he’s 5’3, 109 pounds, and sleeps in a camo onesie made by Affliction.

***

Teddy Bridgewater

After weeks upon weeks of struggling to rediscover his sense of fashion, Teddy’s definitely back and lookin’ effortlessly smooth. Putting 49 points on the board does wonders to a man’s confidence.

***

Philip Rivers

When you’re 5-10, you ditch the podium, wear your favorite red sweatshirt, and do a crowd-pleasing face plant on the couch the very moment your press conference comes to a merciful end. Though I do find it heartwarming that, win or lose, Phil has always stuck with the Fish Face.

***

DeAngelo Williams

DeAngelo Williams pays tribute to his mother with his pink accents in his hair because DeAngelo Williams is awesome and found the proper loophole.

Final Score: DeAngelo 1, Goodell 0.

***

Derek Carr

Derek Carr went with the Christmas sweater and the fake tie look. This is the equivalent of dunking in someone’s face and getting the foul as you stand over them. Balls for days.

***

Aaron Rodgers

Hear from #Packers QB Aaron Rodgers following Sunday's loss to the Cardinals ?: https://t.co/IaeOd22DEe #GBvsAZ pic.twitter.com/K0dB7fIEeU
— Green Bay Packers (@packers) December 28, 2015

Yikes. The best part of this mess might be that the Packers actually chose to use this photo. All I can think of is Robert DeNiro in Awakenings.

***

Chip Kelly

The lights went out on Chip Kelly during his postgame press conference, making for some of the best symbolism we’ve seen all season long. But even in the dark, Chip’s misery still managed to shine brightly.

Yes. Though I’m not sure Chip Kelly felt it was necessary to discuss the irony.

***

Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins conducted his postgame press conference in full uniform, sans helmet because he was given a brand new hat that had a special message to convey: NFC East Champs. He LIKES that. I LIKE that. And you definitely HATE that.

***

Jay Cutler

“Listen, it’s Week 16 and we’re out of the playoffs. If I wanna wear a giant purple sock as a tie, I’m gonna wear a giant purple sock as a tie. C’mon guys. Next question.”

***

Kellen Moore

The Dallas Cowboys built a stadium that cost $5 billion and seats 297,000 people and this is the best we can do? I could conduct a spiffier looking press conference inside a dog shed.

***

The Dolphins

This is a real play for the #Dolphins, it ended the game in the redzone - pic.twitter.com/LEX6ibFoUv
— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) December 27, 2015

The Miami Dolphins seriously ended their game on the wrong end of a Tecmo Bowl sack. Hence, no one will be representing this franchise other than this hilarious, game-ending “play call” in the red zone.

***

Ndamukong Suh

I lied. And that’s because the happiness that continues to emanate from Ndamukong Suh is downright endearing and left me with no choice but to share it with the world. The guy looks like he’s come to collect on a debt and even if you have the money, you’re still getting your ass whipped.

***

Kenny Britt

I had no idea Kenny Britt was a Rasheed Wallace clone. Photo don’t lie.

***

Jordan Matthews

Some members of the Eagles opted to lose in style. Excellent work by Jordan Matthews, whose evening wasn’t close to being over. That’s the face of a man in dire need of blowing off some steam.

***

Tim Barnes

Who Wore It Best? Gotta go with Barnes. The sheer volume on the sides blows Yukon Cornelius and his stupid yellow earmuffs right off the North Pole.

***

Arthur Blank

CURRENT MOOD pic.twitter.com/UrVa1776cq
— Dirty South Soccer (@DirtySouthSoc) December 27, 2015

How has Arthur Blank never been a character emn The Pemnk Panther or the host of a game show? Thems man ems easemly among the Top 5 on the NFL’s hemghly regarded “human cartoon” lemst.

***

Malcolm Jenkins

It’s gonna be a couple weeks before I’m done staring at the hypnotizing beard that resides on the face of Malcolm Jenkins. Additionally, Baron Davis doesn’t get nearly enough credit for making this entire getup “a thing.”

***

Pat McAfee

Walked in w/ red shoes on.. Got a sunburn.. Kicked some foosballs.. Walked out with a great #ColtsNation win babbbyy pic.twitter.com/dghBywlx7o
— Pat McAfee (@PatMcAfeeShow) December 27, 2015

Pat McAfee is a punter who knows exactly how to cut through the clutter of a league loaded with stars. All kickers should be taking this approach … instead of this approach.

***

Jameis Winston

A perfectly fine suit ruined thanks to a tie that I can only assume was purchased by a frazzled team intern at the last minute because Jameis forgot to bring one. There’s a reason why ties that house bubbles are often seen in the sale pile at Lord & Taylor.

***

Johnny Manziel

This was Johnny Football for the first 10 seconds of his postgame press conference. While he did rush for 108 yards, the harsh reality is that he plays football for the 3-12 Cleveland Browns. It’s incredibly hard to dress up when that’s the case.

***

Tyrod Taylor

What can I say, the unseasonably warm temperatures tend to bring out Spring fashion. And vests. If it weren’t for the invention of vests, Tyrod Taylor would refuse to leave his house. This dude’s stylist probably makes more money than he does.

***

Jim Tomsula

Pretty thoughtful gesture from coach Jim Tomsula. I’m gonna miss you too, buddy.

***

Matthew Stafford

Matt Stafford’s outward cry for help couldn’t be any more obvious even if he had “PLZ HELP ME” Sharpie’d across his forehead. I almost feel like he found that sweatshirt on the locker room floor, shrugged, and quietly mumbled “this’ll do.”

***

Richie Incognito

Known in some uppity fashion circles as “Sleepy Sex Fire,” notorious glamour boy Richie Incognito delivered the goods once again. Kudos, big fella.

***

Jimmy Smith

It took until the second to last week of the season, but Jimmy finally went back to the basics. Sometimes pedaling backwards is actually going forward. That’s especially true in the case of Ravens receiver Jimmy Smith.

***

Blake Bortles

I’m pretty sure we all know exactly what Blake Bortles wore to the podium. So here, enjoy this lovely photo of his bedroom.

***

Jake Long

Jake Long, one of the very few linemen in the NFL who actually wipes his face before speaking with reporters, not to mention the intellectual touch with the glasses. A true rarity.

***

Chris Long

I am absolutely TERRIFIED of Rams menacing cat burglar, Chris Long. Now please, let’s move things along. Quickly.

***

Jeff Fisher

According to several sources, following his press conference Jeff Fisher rebelliously sped away on a hoverboard shouting “watch out, bro!”

***

Bonus Round

Someone please give a healthy raise to whoever manages Tom Brady’s Facebook page. They’ve been in a Jordan-like zone for the past two years. It’s also worth also noting that Cam Newton and his polarizing ways would make for the perfect Ice Man.

***

Hoda and Kathie Lee. I repeat, Hoda and Kathie Lee. What a brilliant way of changing the conversation. Survivial 101 in Don Draper’s book of life.

***

Cheers to one of the all-time greats, Charles Woodson. The dude has done it all and done it well, seemingly forever.

***