Game of Thrones: "The Dance of Dragons" Recap

Ramsay – That little maniac did it. Without even being seen in the episode he actually did something to help. Sure, he killed a bunch of men and horses and set an entire camp on fire, but he did something besides torture a captive. How many episodes into next season until they trick us into kind of liking him?

Stannis – Total. Dick. Of course, in Westeros, burning your daughter in front of an audience isn’t a top 5 most f–ked up thing.

Jon Snow – MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Everyone is through the wall, setting up farms and being totally safe forever! Woo-hoo! Good job, Jon!

The Red Woman – Why did everyone have to watch Stannis burn his daughter at the stake? I feel like that’s not inspiring much devotion, as Tyrion mentioned last week. I mean, Gendry got a sexy leeching behind closed doors, and then got a year off to sail around the world on his boat. (Wonder if he took those three boat lessons himself or paid someone else to take them for him.)

Ser Davos – I get the feeling when he returns, he’s going to be… annoyed. Especially, if he wants to know how the Dance of Dragons ends. I wonder if Davos will be the only person to write a hot take about child murder and quitting Game of Thrones?

Princess Shireen – “Is there anyway I can help?” To be fair to Stannis, Shireen did volunteer to do whatever she could to help. If only her story about dragons had a lesson.

Jaime Lannister – MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Everything is working out for everyone!

Myrcella Baratheon – Never have daughters. Or nieces. Or whatever Jaime’s story is.

Trystane Martell – Such personality.

Doran Martell – Anybody else think he would make a good king? Imagine a world where he and Oberyn were running things?

Sand Snakes – Imagine a world with Oberyn and Doran in charge with the Sand Snakes running around everywhere instead of those decidedly unsexy Sparrows. Dorn looks so much more fun than King’s Landing. I feel bad for Myrcella.

Bronn – Barring horribly unforeseen circumstances, Bronn makes it to season 6! I’ll drink to that.

Arya – A girl does not forget her past. A girl is going to get into trouble with the Many Faced God. Jon Taffer would not be happy with a girl sitting around while she’s on the clock, eating all the profits.

Ser Meryn Trant – Having not heard his name in what seems like years, I thought he was Shawn Marion Trout. He did a great job of immediately becoming one of the scummiest characters.

Mace Tyrell – The voice of an angel. The mustache of an idiot.

Bravos Brothels – If you were a Westerosi vendor, what ballpark food would you sell at a brothel?

Ellaria Sand – No clue what she’s going to do next. She still seems a bit unstable.

The Fighting Pits – No wonder New York refuses to legalize MMA. Though, tighter security might dissuade some concerns.

Hizdahr zo Loraq – The easiest way out of an awkward love triangle is to be murdered by your own people before the wedding.

Daario Naharis – As Scott Pilgrim would say, he’s a cocky cock.

Dany – None of her dragons are named Falcor, right?

Ser Jorah – He took a damn beating in his royal rumble. Then finally got back next to his queen. And then she flew away. Plus we have the super-slow-spreading Greyscale to worry about.

Dany With Dragons – How many people would wait so long before riding one of their dragons for the first time?


Missandei – I hope she and Tyrion live a long, happy life together.

Tyrion – All he got to do was sit around and give people looks. Then he saved Missandei and now he’s left in the pit with the rest of Dany’s small council. By the way, is Dany sending a dragon back to pick those guys up or sending an Uber or what’s the deal? Won’t the Sons of the Harpy just kill them all? Or are we not supposed to think about that? Are they all going to a Mereen jail?

Only one more episode left this year. Dammit.

Season 5, Episode 8: “Hardhome”

Season 5, Episode 7: “The Gift”

Season 5, Episode 6: “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” Recap

Season 5, Episode 5: “Kill The Boy” Recap

Season 5, Episode 4: “The Sons of the Harpy” Recap

Season 5, Episode 3: “High Sparrow” Recap

Season 5, Episode 2: “The Wars to Come” Recap

Season 5, Episode 1: “The House of Black and White” Recap

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