NFL Podium Fashion: Best and Worst Dressed Players

When you are lucky enough to be a member of a team in the National Football League, you are traditionally asked to do exactly one thing, and one thing only — Do. Your. Job. But, because this money-printing, monster of a sport is about so much more than that, developing lucrative relationships with some of the world’s biggest brands has become nearly as crucial as winning on the field.

One of the best platforms to begin such a feat — particularly in the NFL — happens to be at the postgame podium, where players are forced to answer mostly bland questions, while at least being afforded the opportunity to showcase their fashion sensibilities and personable side to millions of people around the world.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not. With the exception of guys like Tom Brady, Russell Wilson, and Peyton Manning — when he isn’t setting the record for number of intersecting patterns — it’s mostly a humorous debacle.

But in an effort to make things even more fun this year, I won’t be limiting it to just quarterbacks. Everyone is fair game now. And really, the major reason for that is the same reason everyone loves Fat Guy Touchdowns. So yes, guys like Vince Wilfork accidentally wearing a kicker’s jacket or showing up to the podium draped in a “World’s Greatest Farter” t-shirt is absolutely one of the primary goals this season. (A wide receiver snootily addressing the media in a velvet bathrobe and a parrot on his shoulder certainly wouldn’t hurt either.)

What we have below is a glance at what to expect, and — in several cases — what we hope not to expect.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Sadly, Kyle Orton retired upon the conclusion of last season. So the man who seemingly doubled as a used car salesman while unexpectedly becoming the hero of these installments will obviously need a suitable replacement. And a consistent one at that.

Heir to the Throne

The safe choice when it comes to unintentional comedy and a wonderful lack of self-awareness would have to be endearing Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler. As you can plainly see, the pictures do all the necessary driving. So with the exception of Chicago’s BYE week, you can fully expect to see Smokin’ Jay Cutler in this space each and every Monday of the season.

He really is a beautiful creature.

Bad Jackets

This is an easy one. If you play in the NFL, you have the money to have your suits tailored. All of them. There’s absolutely no excuse to look like Josh Baskin at the end of Big.

Awful Crossing Patterns

Apparently wearing as many patterns as possible is a Manning thing, because Eli abuses this look almost as badly as Peyton does. Pinstripes, checkers, and dots were simply never meant to be such close friends. Seeing an abrupt stop to this trend would almost be better than seeing the Patriots going 0-16.

Excessive Nose Picking

If we’ve learned anything from last season, it’s that picking your nose is the next best answer when you do not, in fact, have an answer. That act quickly became an integral part of Matt Ryan’s awkward podium presence, as he fiercely chugged his way to throwing the second most interceptions of his career. Connection? Perhaps. And despite several attempts by his publicist to spruce him up, it made little difference. Because when you pick your nose, you pick your nose.

Gotta work on that confidence, Matty.

To be fair to the Falcons franchise QB, though, he wasn’t alone. RGIII once … well, actually, RGIII appears to have done something entirely different in this instance. Listen, we’ve all given ourselves a free review of our noxious gifts to fresh air, just not while answering questions from reporters on live TV.

It is important to remember that no matter what happens with RGII this year — and it isn’t looking all that fun — we’ll always have this treasure.

Charlie Whitehurst’s Showmanship

Just look at this dude. Charlie Whitehurst, a man famous across the globe for holding a clipboard, could easily be mistaken for an expert assassin who barely broke a sweat after clearing a room full of previously undefeated ninjas. So whether or not he plays a down in 2015, if we find Charlie, he will be featured.

Unfortunate Breakups

With Frank Gore in Indianapolis, the affable running back will no longer be by Kaepernick’s side to offer some semblance of a personality. So best of luck to Kaep. Lord knows he’ll need it should he continue throwing impressive bullets down the field to no one in particular. But that doesn’t mean we can’t follow Sams in Indy, especially if he keeps choosing to wear bedazzled sweaters.

Joe Flacco: Alive or Dead?

Once again, this will be an ongoing, heated debate over the course of the NFL season.

Seriously, it’s a pretty legitimate question. But really, what’s to live for once you’ve won a Super Bowl ring?

Jesus, it’s as if the Baltimore QB is constantly being accused of something. It’s OK, Joe. No really, it’s OK. No one is going to ask you about anything but football. Perhaps there’s an outside chance you’ll snap out of your signature trance at some point?

Gah! Thanks, but no thanks. Zombie Joe Flacco is more than fine.

The Philip Rivers Fish Face

This is the one thing all fans should be cheering for. The bolo tie remains a formidable backup.

Johnny Manziel Will Look … Great

For selfish reasons, let’s hope Johnny Football’s fashion hunches remain the same. A grown adult using Mutombo’s dress sock as a tie to complement an Old Navy button-down is truly something to behold.

Special “What the Hell?” Moments

Cam Newton shocked the world with capris and a pair of loafers while Antonio Brown’s suit played Tetris against itself. Just wonderful stuff. So gentlemen across the league — by all means — please feel free to take as many chances off the field, as you do on the field. The Internet loves when that happens.

The Backup QB Treatment

Brandon Weeden got one start for the Cowboys last year. What you see here was his lavish postgame “podium.” Expect more special things like this to happen when starters are forced to take a seat.

What Will Russell Wilson Wear?

Russell Wilson clearly yearns for a seat next to Tom Brady in Anna Wintour’s secret war room, but he’s more or less already there. I suppose being carried to the podium on a glamorous throne or arriving atop a camel would aptly finish this unholy mission.

Tom Brady Being Tom Brady

Sir Thomas wins on the field, off the field, and in the court room. Probably best not to mess with the 4-time Super Bowl champion’s hair, exotic 2-story closet, or balls.

Andrew Luck’s Existence

This is a very simple one: Do. Not. Change. A. Thing.

So… Get Excited?

Sure. Big Ben already appears to have a deep understanding of what that means.

Now go ahead and prepare for all the exorbitant pigskin tossing on Thursday night and into the weekend, and I’ll see you next Monday.

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(Screen grabs via The Cauldron, @TheSportsHernia, CBS Sports)