Colin Kaepernick just got paid. The haters came out in droves. Why do people hate the successful quarterback? Here’s why:
1. He’s not Russell Wilson. Despite Wilson’s offseason divorce, the Seattle Seahawks QB is so much more clean cut than his rival Kaepernick! And not embroiled in scandals! And his arms aren’t covered in tattoos! And most of all, his Instagram screams “Humble Choir Boy” while Kaepernick is posing with rappers.
2. Tattoos. Kaepernick has many scary, colorful tattoos. This freaks out 82% of NFL writers over the age of 50 who prefer their QBs to have pasty, doughy arms devoid of ink. And the tats under Kaepernick’s jersey? If you see him at the pool, you better walk to the shallow end, Mark Cuban.
3. Occasionally, Kaepernick wears his hat backwards. Why would a 26-year old wear his hat backwards? That’s so unprofessional. Black, wearing a hat backwards and having visible tattoos is three strikes and Mr. Kaepernick, you’re out. When Stafford, Roethlisberger, Rodgers, Romo and Brady wear their hat backwards, it’s ironic, obviously.
4. Kaepernick is most dangerous when he scrambles. He shredded the Packers for 181 yards on the ground in a 2013 playoff game, carved up the Seahawks for 130 in a playoff game last season, and he’s dominant in the read option. NFL purists hate running QBs except for Steve Young.
5. Kaepernick wears socks that are called “Make it Rain.” Dude, do you really want your socks to give off a strip club vibe? Is that something Joe Flacco would wear?
6. The 49ers QB kisses his biceps sometimes after scoring. The ego on this kid. Usually, Andrew Luck hands the ball to the referee.
7. So what if Kaepernick has reached two straight NFC Championship games? Zero Super Bowl rings and it’s all about the ringsssss.
8. NOT CLUTCH. In 2014: Three fourth-quarter turnovers vs. Seattle in the NFC Championship game, including an interception in the end zone in the final minute. In 2013: Couldn’t complete a 4th down pass inside the 10-yard line in the final minute of the Super Bowl. Spare me the regular season wins, or the playoff road win over the Packers in 2014. Are we certain Kaepernick is ready for the blinding lights of crunch time?
9. Colin Kaepernick has a big nose, which led one hack to call him “Schnozz.” I didn’t look, but I’m sure the Digital Underground jokes were flying on twitter minutes after Kaepernick’s record-setting contract extension.
11. He mocked Cam Newton’s Superman celebration, in a playoff game, in Carolina. What a dick.
12. Kaepernick shills for Beats. Sure, the young kids like Beats and the “I’m the Man” commercial, and Apple just bought them, making Dr. Dre a billionaire, but NFL fans prefer their QBs to sell more vanilla products. Like Wranglers, Uggs or Buicks.