Game of Thrones: "Oathkeeper" Recap

This was a good episode despite a relative lack of action. The only people who died were slave masters in Meereen. We’re setting up for a bloody clash at Craster’s Keep. And just two more seasons until Danaerys and her army of slaves and dragons crosses the Narrow Sea. Things are in motion!

Grey Worm – Between Stannis’ daughter with Ser Davos and now Dany’s assistant with Grey Worm, I have finally figured out that Game of Thrones is just an elaborate advertising campaign by the government to encourage people to learn to read. Thanks Obama. Also, Grey Worm is the skinniest badass since Mathilda in The Professional.

Dany – More epic imagery. That’s her thing.

Missandei – That’s the name of Dany’s assistant / translator played by Nathalie Emmanuel. According to IMDB, she’ll be in Fast 7. According to Wikipedia, she is from Southend-on-Sea which is in Essex, England. Again, that’s where the actress is from, not the character.

Meereen – So, they keep all their slaves in one place at night? Did Dany just free the Marines?

Jaime – So, an episode after the show broke with the book (Spoiler? All I know is that the original text was much less rape-y. Please remain civil in the comments.), Jaime acts like the guy we started to root for last season. He kind of takes Tyrion’s side and does right by the Starks, Brienne and Pod.

Tyrion – Stuck in a cell. Hopefully he gets the Westeros version of Franklin & Bash to defend him and doesn’t have the Westeros version of Jack McCoy trying the case. Those are my two best lawyer references. Thought I’d get them out of the way before the actual trial.

Sansa – I hope she holds onto her hair before Little Finger makes a hairdoll out of it.

Little Finger – ACTING!

Olenna Tyrell – So we learned two very interesting things about the Queen of Thorns last night. 1. She was part of the conspiracy to kill Joffrey. 2. Back in the day she could really [expletive-laden sex act description]. And Margaery is better. Seven Hells, man.

Jon Snow – HURRY JON!

Locke – You realize he was the manager of Stillwater, right? Lost his only client to the host of the Tonight Show and then took the black.

Cersei – Drunk Cersei is mean. Sober Cersei is meaner because she’s probably hung over.

Tommen – This kid knocked this scene out of the park. Can I say how nice it is to have a cat person as our next ruler? The future is bright. That’s a kingdom I want to live in.

Ser Pounce – WELL HELLO THERE LITTLE KITTY! As far as I’m concerned, the first 33 episodes of Game of Thrones were a complete waste of time. You introduce Ser Pounce in Season 1, Episode 1 next time.

Brienne – Valyrian steel sword. Badass black suit of armor. Horse. And Tri-Pod as a squire. Everything is coming up Brienne. And “Oathkeeper” is a totally badass name for a sword. Or a metal band. Or a penis. (Sorry. Someone had to say it.)

Pod – Brienne and her squire Pod are already my new favorite combo and could quickly rise up the rankings of pairs I would watch a separate show about.

Craster’s Keep – It’s Hedonism II north of The Wall. “I was a fucking legend in Gin Alley,” is definitely the quote of the week.

Hodor – I need Sarah McLachlan to do a commercial discouraging cruelty to Hodors.

White Walkers – What was that!? We’re all going to die.

I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky again this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. My wife says I talk like William Shatner when I’m doing the podcast! You can listen to last week’s podcast here. I’ll update this with a link when the new one goes up. [Here is today’s podcast where I try to explain just how amazing Ser Pounce really is.]