Game of Thrones: "The Wars to Come" Recap

Cersei – It’s good to see that Cersei was kind of a bitch, even as a tween. You can see where Joffrey got his a-hole gene, but his mother was tougher, in between reading Westeros’ version of Twighlight, than he ever was. The season’s opening scene also brings up an interesting idea – Game of Thrones Babies? I know the idea was basically used last week when Conan did Lil Thrones – here’s the Muppet Babies opening – but that was just a musical cartoon version of GoT. GoT Babies would be a great way to bring back all our favorite characters. Who wouldn’t want to see the awkward, but honorable teenage years of Ned Stark?

Jaime – Was anyone else worried when Cersei and Jaime were alone with the body of their dead father? For most non-siblings that’s not a recipe for romance, but… let’s hope we never have to think about that again. As for Jaime, I barely remember where we left off with him. Are we back on Team Jaime because he set Tyrion free?

Tywin – Cool contacts.

Tyrion – That’s the last time he books Carnival, am I right? Does anyone play drunk as well as Peter Dinklage? And he gave us the Seven Kingdoms’ version of the boot and rally. With the help of Varys, he has a chance to be Westeros’ top political consultant. Barring something unforseen, he should remain the best part of the show.

BONUS FUN FACT: I was Googling spellings and stumbled across this Vanity Fair article about the season premiere. Apparently, the house in Pentos where Varys and Tryion showed up is the same one that Daenerys and Viserys were hanging out in early in the first season.

Varys – Do you think The Spider knows how things are going in Dany’s camp? Varys is like that coach who motivated that player. You know the example(s) I’m thinking of.

Joffrey – Still dead. Though, at one point last night I did think, “Man, I kind of miss that little jerk.” You can replace a lot of characters and their badassery, but to fill the hole left by someone who inspired so much hatred is almost impossible. There is something missing from the show with Jack Gleeson gone.

Daenerys – “I did not take up residence in this pyramid to…” Let me stop your right there, Dany. There is literally no way to end that thought without sounding like an a-hole. LATER: Back on her uncomfortable seat, judging people, banning UFC.

Dragons – When you ground your kids, they get very annoyed. At least that’s what I assume happens. I mean, the dragons were pretty pissed. My question is, should Daenerys be scared of her dragons? She’s fireproof, like a Kirk Cameron movie. If she doesn’t discipline the dragons, she’ll never have their respect.

White Rat – This actor got the full Game of Thrones experience in one 30-second scene. He saw three topless women and then got his throat cut in the most disturbing way possible out of nowhere.

Sons of the Harpy – Could this be a tie-in with True Detective Season 2? Anyone else smell cross-over potential?

Missandei – Welcome back Nathalie Emmanuel! She played a world-class hacker in Furious 7. And she’s going to get to the bottom of the Unsullied’s mommy issues.

Jon Snow – Bastard with a dead dad, dead brother, dead girlfriend. Also, some of his best friends died killing a giant last year. And yet, here he is, trying to broker peace between two kings, becoming a tenured professor and drawing considerable interest from his boss’ girlfriend.

Sam and Gilly – Still a thing.

Melisandre – Ugh. She’s going to bang Jon Snow. (I looked back at my Season 4 finale recap and this is what I wrote for Melisandre: “Sup, Jon Snow? How you doin’?”)

Stannis Baratheon, The One True King of the Seven Kingdoms – The episode was missing something. That something was Ser Davos telling someone to address Stannis with the proper respect and title.

Lord Arryn – What a little turd. He’s so awful, so there’s no way he doesn’t end up king for a couple weeks in season 9.

Brienne – I still haven’t forgiven her for killing The Bloody Hound, but I also don’t like the way she’s treating Podrick. And then Sansa drives by in a damn coach. Dammit Brienne. You’re carrying a sword made from Valyrian Steel. Act like a pro.

Pod – At least we know he unrolls a mean sleeping bag.

Little Finger and Sansa – ROAD TRIP.

Margaery – I think she might be the younger, prettier woman the witch told Cersei about. And I think she’s going to kill Cersei.

Lancel Lannister – Of course he found religion. Do we remember why he found religion? I have no clue. All I know is that his new haircut works. I wonder if the Sparrows are like the monks that make that delicious Belgian beer?

Loras Tyrell – I don’t know if he is really that into his fiancée.

Mance Rayder – I feel like we barely knew him. He was a legend. The King Beyond the Wall. Before they burned him, I wonder if he finally wrote that hit song, “Alone In My Principles?”