Game of Thrones: "The Children" Recap

Dear Book Readers,

We’re sorry. So sorry. We, the people who have not read the books, want to apologize. We don’t know why you’re so angry. We don’t know why we should be angry. We wish we were angry. The kind of anger that comes from the deeper understanding of the ~~Game of Thr~~ – er, A Song of Ice and Fire universe. While we ignorant illiterate non-readers watched the season finale of Game of Thrones on Sunday night and merely enjoyed the episode, you sat nearby and seethed. The people who make the show, like the people who have not read the books, know not what they do. So when one of us says something about how a particular scene was awesome or how we’ll miss The Hound, pity us. Do not be mad at us. Please. We’re sorry. We just wanted to enjoy the episode while drinking officially licensed craft beer. And please don’t force us to read 1.77 million words between now and next Spring. Let us continue to live in the dark. Winter is coming, but we don’t want to know how it is going to get here.

Love always,

Fans of the Show

Jon Snow – You negotiate nothing, Jon Snow.

Ygritte – She was like the Jennifer Lawrence Above the Wall. Every apparently loved her. Just watch.

Mance Rayder – The King Beyond the Wall drank to Ygritte. (As well as Grenn and Mag The Mighty.) Then he gets taken away by Ser Davos. All-in-all, a pretty small part for Mance. All he really did was break bread with Jon Snow a couple times.

Stannis Baratheon, The One True King of the Seven Kingdoms– I made sure to put that title next to his name because if I didn’t, Ser Davos would have popped up from behind something to correct me. How the eff did Stannis get all those men to the North. Dany has been walking around the desert for like 3 seasons. Three episodes ago, Stannis barely had an army.

The Mountain – This scene was really weird. Why does Cersei care so much about whether The Mountain lives or dies? Is this what those German doctors do to athletes with bad knees? Westeros blood doping? And this guy is going to “change” The Mountain, but he won’t be weaker. Could this mean.. SUPER MOUNTAIN!?

Cersei – Between The Mountain and Tommen, she seems to care a lot about people we never saw her speak with before a monthago.

Tywin – Rough episode. Finds out his twins were having sex. Then he gets shot on the toilet by his other son.

Jaime – Our incestuous, sister-raping hero.

Dany – Here’s Dany’s day. Just repeat this about twelve thousand times.

Missandei: [reads Dany’s 7-page resume out loud, in full]
Dany: What’s up? Come to thank me for making everything awesome?
Loyal, Grateful Subject: Khaleesi, my life sucks now.
Greyworm: [stares]
Dany: But I saved you.
LGS: Yeah, kinda, not really. Everything still sucks, but different.
Dany: We shall fix this post hence!
Jorah: Khaleesi, things are not that simple, Khaleesi. (Khaleesi.)
Dany: I thought I told you to scram.
Jorah: My bad, Khaleesi.
Dany: Loyal, grateful subject, have some grain and three orphans to ease your pain.
LGS: It’s not that easy.
Dany: You sure?
LGS: Yup.
Dany: FML.

Dragons – They grew up so fast. What Dany needs to understand is that you can’t just keep your kids locked in a dungeon. Sometimes you have to let them fly. And if they burn a few village children, those are mistakes they are going to have to live with.

Melisandre – “Sup, Jon Snow? How you doin’?”

Jon Snow – He does have a thing for redheads.

Tormund Giantsbane – Game of Thrones is full of the little quips about the nature of relationships and love. Like when Tormund gets to explain he knew Ygritte loved Jon Snow because she always talked about killing him. That’s how you say “women be shoppin'” above The Wall.

Bran – He finally got to… where he was trying to go. In Carcosa, I guess. And that dude is going to turn him into a dragon.

Hodor – I thought he was a goner. I don’t know if I would have been able to process that.

Jojen – Thanks for helping Bran.

The Children – Fancy tree, brah. Frank Miller wants his art design back. The titular children who live under a tree with the Yellow King. Got it. [throws fancy magic fireball]

The Hound – RIP. A thousand RIPs. He was the most fun bad guy.

Pod – “I was watching you! I thought you might need some help!” Never change Pod.

Brienne – She killed The Bloody Hound.

Tyrion – YES!

NO! What are you doing!

Oh. Shit.

Fuuuu….

Holy shit.

What are you…

Oh.

DO IT.

YES.

[passes out for 10 months]

Arya – I don’t care. I liked the final scene(s). I’ve watched the episode 2.5 times now. It left me with a different feeling. Hope for Arya and Tyrion. My two favorite characters. I have no clue where anything is going, but I’m still excited. It’s completely different from how we left the first three seasons (Dany’s dragons, White Walkers show up, Dany frees the slaves)