Game of Thrones: "The Watchers on the Wall" Recap

If you were a semi-recurring character on Game of Thrones and your hair was red, you will not appear in the season finale. Sorry. Thank goodness Lady Sansa didn’t show up. This was the rarest of episodes that did not feature either Tyrion or Cersei. Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey have now appeared in just 36 of the 39 episodes. Does this mean they’re waiting until the final scene of the final episode of the season to kill Tyrion? This is going to suck. Can’t we just have Khaleesi drop the mic somewhere instead? SIGH.

This episode was also rare for another reason – It took place in one location. I believe the only other episode to do that was Blackwater. Speeches. Battles. Fire. GIANTS. I wouldn’t say this was as good as Blackwater, but it was still pretty great. Especially the various times they went with long sustained shots to finally try and give us scale on The Wall, Castle Black and the biggest fire the North has ever seen.

Jon and Sam – Their conversation to start the episode is exactly how American Pie got started. Sam then made it his beeswax to not die before planting a wet one on Gilly.

Jon Snow – He is not a bleeding poet. He got to brag about getting laid. He got to show off his battle skills. His ex-girlfriend died in his arms. He led the successful defense of The Wall. He wandered off alone to kill Gaius Julius Effing Caesar. All around performance out of Jon Snow here.

Sam and Gilly – Sam has now kissed a girl. The highlight of the episode had to be Sam trying to go fight to defend the wall and Gilly playing the “you’re not doing exactly what you said you were going to do” card. Seven Hells, woman. He’s got to save the damn world.

Ygritte – Like a red-headed Legolas. And she finally got to say “You know nothing, Jon Snow” one last time.

The Cook – The Night’s Watch is home to one badass and nonchalant cook. Did he do anything else? Who cares. He looked so damn cool when he killed that Wildling with a cleaver.

Maester Aemon – A nice reprieve from the tension and violence to hear an old guy talk about the time women were throwing themselves at him. I think we need a prequel surrounding his teenage years and how he ended up at The Wall.

Alliser Thorne – So that’s why he’s commander of the Night’s Watch. I would be hopeful about his promoting Jon Snow, but Jon just wandered off into the wilderness so that probably won’t happen this season. Maybe at the end of the series in a Return of the King-ish ending they’ll share a smile.

Styr – That’s the tall bald guy. His fight with Jon Snow was kind of good. And he smashed his face off an iron. Then took a giant ball peen hammer to the dome.

Janos Slynt – I can’t believe he didn’t die in a hilariously embarrassing fashion.

GIANTS – Everything about those guys – and their mammoth – was pretty awesome. I just wish they had shown the fight in the tunnel.

Tormund Giantsbane – The big Wildling with the red hair and beard. You know how you can tell that Wildlings are a bit… touched? One of their leaders’ favorite campfire stories to share is about the time he claims to have banged a bear. The North is the South of Westeros.

Grenn – RIP. His only crime was being brave and ginger. Of all Jon Snow’s dead friends, I think I’ll miss him most of all. Still, why didn’t we get to see them kill the giant?

Jon Snow – Please come back.